We made it safely back from Disney and what an amazing trip. I promise to share more details later, but for now, there’s something eclipsing everything else in my mind. That crazy overdrive of anxiety, that hits you like a semi truck and simultaneously feels like subliminal messaging that you have to decode. Because panic attacks are known and noticeable, but the all consuming thoughts of what if and what now come on with more gentleness and invisibility.
Tomorrow we meet this baby. We see for the first real time what’s going on in this womb. Healthy baby? I hope so! But imagining and playing through the memories of our last anatomy scan can’t help but take precedence. Chances are really good this baby is totally, 100% fine. But I can’t just sit in that, because our last baby wasn’t. Blissful ignorance is gone, and in its place is recognition that this world is deeply broken. And that means that sometimes babies aren’t healthy. Sometimes expectant mamas and daddies have to face the worst case scenario. Would you please pray with us? Cover this overly anxious mind and longing heart with the protection that can only come from God?
Tomorrow will be hard. The waiting leading up to the appointment. The long, likely breathless moments in that cold dark ultrasound room, as we wait for the news; while the technician meticulously records all the precious parts of this baby. The tense minutes as we wait for the tech to return from speaking to the doctor. The hopeful sigh of relief when we get the all clear. And the hours after when we process the thought of actually bringing this baby home, while mourning and grieving the baby that never did come home.
But until then, I wait in this nervous state. I get to wonder what it will be like if we have to tell our almost 5 year old that this baby won’t be coming home either. I tell myself this is a different pregnancy, a different baby, a different outcome. I pray. I cry. I give it to God. I try to sleep. If I weren’t pregnant I’d have a glass of wine. Or two.
I know that because of my God, we will survive whatever is thrown at us tomorrow. I know it. I’ve lived it. He really is as kind and sustaining as He says He is. I’m honestly not worried about that at all. But goodness, am I ready to have answers and information. And with a deep sincerity, I’ve longingly prayed for a healthy baby and an easy pregnancy - free of anxiety, but alas, here we are - where I can try to enjoy this process and not dread the next appointment or the possibility of bad news. As I prepare my heart for what tomorrow holds, I want to just sit in the lap of my Father; and not worry today about tomorrow. Would you join me in praying for that peace that only comes from being in the very real presence of God?
I cannot wait to share this baby with each of you. And I will get to that. Eventually. For now, I’m just happy to get through tomorrow and take the space I, we, need in learning about and loving this baby. There is always hope, and even in the darkness of anxiety, we can rejoice because of our Good Father.
Matthew 10:29-31 (NCV)
Two sparrows cost only a penny, but not even one of them can die without your Father’s knowing it. God even knows how many hairs are on your head. So don’t be afraid. You are worth much more than many sparrows.
Romans 8:15 (NIV)
The Spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again; rather, the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship. And by him we cry, “Abba, Father.”