I had my two week incision check yesterday afternoon. It seemed like a fitting way to close out the longest month of my life. It was also a milestone to cross off my list of hard things over the next year. I’ve spent the last week in anticipation of this silly little appointment. On one hand I was looking forward to getting the all clear for doing more than sitting in a chair with my ice pack. I’ve wanted to be able to really snuggle Audrey and not feel like I’m breaking some kind of “rule” as I pick her up to console her from a fall. On the other hand, I’ve been remembering my postpartum appointment after Audrey was born… all the emotions I felt going into that office two years ago came rushing back and I realized this appointment was going to be very very different. I was so excited to show off my beautiful baby girl and slightly terrified that she would scream the entire time the doctor was in the room with us. I remember pulling back the carseat cover to let my doctor see how big the little baby that she delivered had gotten and how much she looked like me. I remember her asking how our nursing journey was going, if I was sleeping, how I was handling being a new mama. All of those questions, no matter their answers, were things that I had been waiting to experience for the 9 months of my pregnancy. This appointment wasn’t going to be like that. I wasn’t going to have a baby to bring with me and show off. I don’t have a nursing journey. Instead I have a scar on my abdomen and an even bigger one on my heart.
I think if I had any other doctor, yesterday’s appointment would have been the perfect occasion for a good old fashioned ugly cry. There is something special about her though. When I called almost 3 years ago, as a brand new resident of Utah and 9 weeks pregnant, I needed the first available doctor for my 12 week appointment. She happened to be accepting new patients and so began my prenatal care. God knew on that random day in August, 2014, all that my life had waiting for me and He gave me the perfect doctor. She is kind, honest, and eager to answer the million questions that a worried mama has lingering in her head. I am so very thankful for her.
I keep thinking about the verse in Lamentations where we are told that God’s faithfulness is great and that His mercies are new every morning. I have a post it note on my computer that reads “He will give you the strength to get through today” and its been and will continue to be my motto for this season. I don’t know what each day has in store for me and our little family but I’m trusting in God’s comfort and guidance to get through it all. Yesterday He gave me the kind heart of my doctor and a sweet text from my sister, reminding me that even the darkness, God named. Today, Audrey pooped in the potty and we cheered for a solid 20 minutes. This is our new normal, the stage of life we are in with our toddler, and I'm going to find joy in that.
“The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. ‘The Lord is my portion,’ says my soul, ‘therefore I will hope in him.” -Lamentations 3:22-24