I realized this morning as I sat with Jesus, that I had to literally check my selfishness at the door as we walked out of that sonogram back in October. I had to lay my heart, and body, into the palm of God’s hand. It was a really terrible feeling, not knowing what the outcome of our pregnancy was going to be. We didn’t know how sick, or how well, our son was in that moment. We didn’t know how sick, or how well, he was going to be in 3 weeks, or 3 months, or after delivery. We didn’t know anything except that we were terrified and we didn’t know anything.
I think as I look back I clung to Jesus because I literally didn’t know what else to do in that moment. I ask myself often if there were anything I would change or do differently given the outcome and all that we know. There is nothing. I would change nothing. Well, I certainly would have scripted a different ending; one where I was still holding my precious baby boy. But knowing the outcome, I would do exactly the same thing. We prayed unceasingly for wisdom for our team of doctors and then we trusted their opinions. We prayed unceasingly for a miracle and God delivered. He handed us a beautiful, living, 7lb 3oz, 19in long baby boy with curly blond hair and the sweetest little cry. I clung to Jesus because I didn't know what else to do and He delivered my son through a miserable pregnancy and right into my arms. There is absolutely nothing I would change about that.
I’m thankful that I can say that. That my God loves me enough to give me the grace to be able to see that miracle for what it is and not just wallow in the pain and sadness and be bitter. Because there are certainly days where that is how I feel, but He always gives me a glimpse of the good, despite the yuck. So that on every day, not just the good ones, I can claim boldly His promises and celebrate and be thankful for the miracle of George Mason.
It is my prayer in this process of grief that I would continue to check my selfishness and cling to Jesus. In times of great stress I am ready to call on my Lord but I find my faith is less on fire in times of comfort. I know this next season of our lives isn’t going to be comfortable, there’s going to be a lot of firsts to get through. We will have a lot of pain to walk through and I know that’s going to be something that points me continually back to Jesus. But its when the pain fades and it seems less abundantly clear that I need my savior to get me through each day, THAT is when I want to remember to cling to Jesus.
“Cast your burden on the LORD, and he will sustain you;” -Psalm 55:22a