“Your righteousness, O God, reaches the high heavens. You who have done great things, O God, who is like you? You who have made me see many troubles and calamities will revive me again; from the depths of the earth you will bring me up again. You will increase my greatness and comfort me again.” - Psalm 71:19-21
This verse seems perfectly fitting for today. I woke up this morning to Audrey’s sweet voice on the monitor and immediately welled up in tears. I calmed down and we went about our normal morning routine but as Adam packed up and left for work, I just couldn’t help but start crying again. I miss my son and I hate that I barely knew him. I miss the chaos that I envisioned when I found out I was going to be joining the 2 under 2 club. None of this journey has gone as expected but I really never thought it would take us down this path. Maybe that’s why this grief feels so exhausting? I’ve been grieving since October… not in the same way as now, but there is a lot to process and a lot that I wish was different.
These last several months feel so much like the troubles and calamities in that Psalm. Instead of having a fun pregnancy, dreaming up the perfect nursery, and praying that I would be a good mother to this precious little boy, I prayed for his life. I literally prayed that he would even have the chance to be born. Yesterday, I kept remembering that day in November when the doctor told us our son was going to die and how I wished I could erase that day from my memory. But at the same time, without that day, the miracle of my son’s birth wouldn’t be. God worked a miracle during those 38 weeks. Our son was born, alive, at full term, when no one expected that and when medicine told us it was impossible. We poured our hearts out to the Great Physician and He heard us. I know that God could have saved my son’s life and that things could have gone differently but that wasn’t the plan… Every doctor that read my file felt the impact of that miracle, even if they didn’t know it. Every day as I face my grief over all of this, I feel the impact of that miracle, and as I share these things with Audrey, the miracle of her brother’s life is going to shape her faith and understanding of her heavenly Father. It didn’t turn out how I had hoped but God is still at work.
I don’t know how much Audrey really understands of all of this but she is being gracious and loving. She climbed up on my lap as we shared a bagel this morning and when the tears would fall down my face she would gently wipe them away. She kept asking “mama all done crying?” and when I would tell her that I was probably going to cry for a long time, she would say “I love you mama” … I would tell her that I miss George Mason and it makes me sad but that’s ok because I love her and Jesus loves all of us. Then the most amazing thing happened, she looked me square in the eye and said “George Mason had lots of boo boos. He’s with Jesus” You’re right kid. George Mason HAD lots of booboos but he doesn’t have them anymore. This is God reviving me for today. This is God bringing the comfort that He promised. Its amazing… He has the entire depth of creation at His fingertips to comfort me; even the mouths of babes can be used for His work and to show His love.