I’m feeling really distracted today. There are so many things going through my head I’m finding it very hard to focus on any one thing in particular and also struggling with what emotions I’m processing. It’s been an emotional week leading up to Good Friday and Easter Sunday. We’ve also been hit by the change of weather crud that makes everyone feel yucky. Maybe its good to be distracted today? Maybe because I’m distracted I’m not stuck in sadness or overwhelmed by emotions?
I think today, because of the distraction, I need to just write down the thoughts that are occupying my brain space. I don’t know where they will lead or if any of them will be particularly profound, but they are there and I need to process them. I think I also need a written record to be able to look back on; it has been an invaluable source of comfort as I trace the ways God has been present in all of this.
God will provide. He is walking this journey with me, with us, and He will provide. What does our future look like? 18 months before trying for more babies… what does that change about our parenting? Our life choices? George made a huge impact on our lives. What will the lasting impact be on our family? On future children? Will the sadness every go away? Will there ever be a time without pain? I suddenly have a lot of free time. What am I supposed to do with it? How am I supposed to serve God’s kingdom as a mama to a toddler and a baby in heaven?
And the LORD will guide you continually and satisfy your desire in scorched places and make your bones strong; and you shall be like a watered garden, like a spring of water, whose waters do not fail. -Isaiah 58:11
I was reading back through my journal from that first week or so after George’s day. I wrote the following through tears but am glad I wrote it down. It doesn’t answer any of the thoughts or questions listed earlier, but it does remind me of the one most important thing I need to remember: God has got this.
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"What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things?" Romans 8:31-32
If God is for us, who can be against us? I've struggled with these words this week. Losing our son seems like the most awful thing in the world and when I get caught in the emotion of loss I ask myself how can my God have done this? The truth is, I have no idea why George Mason is in heaven and not in my arms but I'm thankful for the hope that comes with God's promise of eternity. The passage in Romans goes on to say:
"For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:38-39
My son is glorifying his God in a place where there is no pain, no suffering, no more brokenness. He will be reunited with his family one day, and while that time will seem so long for us on this earth, it will be a blink of an eye for our precious baby boy. George Mason doesn't need these words, but I do. I need the written reminder that nothing will separate me from God's perfect love; not even the death of my son. My God is for me and He will get me through this.
Thank you, Lord, for this distraction today.