My heart hurts today. I woke this morning after a wonderfully celebratory Easter and immediately felt the pain of loss. It's weird, because that immediacy of the pain has faded in most days. Most times the loss is only noticed in particular moments and the pain is more dull. The sharp pokes are less and less often and the ugly cries are subsiding. Life has moved on. It doesn't feel like it should, but it has.
I don't know why this day is special. I wish I understood what made the pain most obvious so I could avoid or prepare for it. It's just a Monday. That doesn't seem especially difficult. It's a random Monday in April. The only thing special about it is that I woke up today missing my son. I woke up today and George Mason isn't here. He's not in the NICU bed where we thought he'd be. He's not in the crib in the nursery where we had hoped he would be. He's not snuggling in my arms while I deal with the tantrums of his big sister. He's not here. He's not with his family. That's what makes today special, I guess.
I've been reading about the life of Moses and how much he really didn't feel qualified for the job God had called him to. God gave him all of these miracles to show the Egyptians that God was God. He equipped him, comforted him, and told him to trust, I am. Days like today I feel horribly under qualified for the job of mama to Audrey and George. My heart is broken and it doesn't seem like it's capable of loving and being patient with such a strong willed toddler but it's also so full of joy and gratitude for her precious life. My heart is longing for that precious baby boy and I feel myself shaking my head at God telling Him I can't do this.
I feel silly even thinking about a comparison with Moses and myself... I mean, it's Moses. 10 commandments, parting the sea, let my people go, Moses. But then I realized, Moses is just a man. He didn't do any of those things God did. God sent Moses to rescue His people and gave him everything he needed to finish the job. God is pretty awesome like that. It was a much needed reminder that I'm not going to be able to do this alone. I'm not going to be able to wake up every day and face it's challenges by myself. The pain of a broken heart is pretty awful today but the best thing to repair that break is Jesus.
If God delivered his people from Egypt through the work of man who felt under qualified , I know God can certainly heal my heart and take me through each day of life as mama. I'm still learning what it means to be mama to Audrey and George. One of my babies is in heaven but he's still my baby and I love him just the same. God will provide for each day. He will give me grace on the days that I'm shaking my head and doubting. He will give mercy when I try to do it myself. But most importantly, He will always be God, no matter how I'm feeling. So while my heart hurts today, I'm comforted in knowing my God is bigger than anything I will ever face; and anything I will ever throw at him.
"And now, behold, the cry of the people of Israel has come to me, and I have also seen the oppression with which the Egyptians oppress them. Come, I will send you to Pharaoh that you may bring my people, the children of Israel, out of Egypt.” But Moses said to God, “Who am I that I should go to Pharaoh and bring the children of Israel out of Egypt?” He said, “But I will be with you, and this shall be the sign for you, that I have sent you: when you have brought the people out of Egypt, you shall serve God on this mountain.” - exodus 3:9-12