When I first started out on this journey of journalling, I figured it would be a place for me to get all my “whining” out. A place where I could curse this situation and then close my computer and leave it until next time. I really didn’t expect much more to come or be made of it than that; a place for my sorrows. I am amazed by how much more of a blessing this process has been for me than I ever could have imagined.
Most days I sit down with my computer, a glass of water (or more likely coffee), my bible and my glasses. I very rarely have anything much I wish to say. But something happens when I open my laptop and put on my glasses. So often there is a flood of thoughts I didn’t even know I was thinking. Some days its a memory, a very specific piece of George Mason’s day. Some days its a bible verse that someone gave me as an encouragement and that struck a particular chord on my grief scale. Some days its just a place for me to sob “out loud” when tears escape me. There is one thing though, that stands out more than anything else: I find myself running to God. If its one of those sobbing days, I often find that passage of scripture I had saved for a “rainy day” ends up speaking so much comfort to the pains of that day. If its one of those days where I’ve already been gifted a verse or passage, I spend time pondering and unpacking all of the goodness that person or persons wanted me to hear.
I’m finding that there are days when my head and my heart are in conflict. Where one side of my soul knows that God is God and He is good and one side can’t possibly believe that is true. Even on those days, when my heart and head can’t agree, God meets me where I am. As I peel back the layers of complexity in each day’s emotions, I always find God. Even when I don’t want to. Even when I’m mad. Even when I’m not faithful in believing the things I know. Even on the very worst days, I always find God. Maybe not always in the way I thought I would or in the way I want to, but I always find Him. His fingerprints are on everything.
Today my heart and head are in agreement. God is so very good. He is sustaining. He is full of grace and mercy. He is almighty, powerful. He is all the feels, all the tears, all the joys, all the everything in between. He is God. I miss my son today, that’s not new. I always miss him. I hate that he’s not here with me because he should be. If this world were perfect, he would be. But today, even amongst the longing for my son, I’m in awe of God and his ability to love me and sustain me through everything.
“O Lord, God of our father, are you not God in heaven? You rule over all the kingdoms of the nations. In your hand are power and might, so that none is able to withstand you.” -2 Chronicles 20:6