The very first Facebook post that I made about George Mason was incredibly hard to write. I didn’t know at that point how bad things were going to get for our son, but I knew something was wrong and there was nothing that either Adam or I could do to fix it. I wanted to get the news out to as many people as would listen so that as many people could pray… prayer was all I knew to do. These are the words I used to close out that first post:
Would you please join with us as we pray for this child? For his doctors, that they would have the wisdom only our Heavenly Father can give them to direct their decisions about how best to care for George Mason. For Adam and I as we prepare our hearts and minds for whatever lies ahead. For Audrey as she begins to navigate her coming role of big sister and that her mind, though young, would be able to understand in her own way whatever changes are thrown at us and when.
We remain hopeful and strong in knowing our son is in the best hands possible. Our God is mighty and He is guiding this process and holding our hands as we walk through this. It doesn't mean we are without fear and sadness, but we are thankful for a God who is the ultimate hope and source of strength.
I think back on that day (sometime in late October) and can remember sitting there trying to find the words to tell people what was going on. I remember crying as I typed. I remember feeling so overwhelmed and terrified of what was coming next. I remember thinking that there was nothing my God couldn’t do but also wondering if this was going to end with a precious baby in my arms. When I read over that list of specific requests, every single one of them was answered with a resounding YES! We asked for wisdom for his doctors and I fully believe they were granted that. We asked that our hearts would be prepared to face whatever was thrown at us and even though these last 7 weeks, and the 18 before that, have been miserably hard, I know they could be so much worse. God prepared our hearts for this. We asked that Audrey would be able to understand all of this in whatever capacity she was able as an almost 2 year old and I’m amazed daily by how much she gets.
Something inside me know on that day that I needed protection for my heart over the coming weeks and months. We were terrifed. We were sad. We had nothing we could do but trust in God, pray for a miracle, and have a hope that only God could give us in that circumstance. It was the hope that gave me the strength to get out of bed everyday and carry my child to his day. It was God who made me seek him first before looking for happiness from an earthly source.
Many times over the last weeks, as people check in with us, I’m asked if I’m praying… or how my relationship with Jesus looks these days. If I’m being honest, my relationship with Jesus is a necessary part of waking up everyday but I very rarely find that I have words beyond “Dearest Heavenly Father” before I start sobbing. I still know all of the things I knew back in October; God is mighty. He held our hands through the pregnancy and hasn’t let go since George’s day. He is still the ultimate source of strength. None of those things has changed. The only thing that has changed is that I had a living, breathing baby and now I don’t and thats incredibly sad. On the days when I can’t find the words, I know its ok to sob in His presence. In fact, that’s THE BEST place to sob…
I included a verse in that first Facebook post. Its another verse that I wrote in my journal multiple times. It is so encouraging to know that God doesn’t grow weary. That no matter what I’m facing and how weak or faint my heart may feel, God is not only not going to grow tired but He’s going to give me the power to get through today and tomorrow and the rest of the days. God created my son and he was perfect. He gave that sweet little boy to Adam and me. God has created and ordained every bit of this human life all the way to the ends of the earth. If He is capable of that, how much more capable must He be to comfort me and get me through these dark days?
"Have you not known? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or grow weary; his understanding is unsearchable. He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength." - Isaiah 40:28-29
Audrey and I have been spending a lot of time outside lately. We walk, a lot, and then she plays at the park on the playground or in the swings. She LOVES when we go to the park and I love to watch her grow and explore and get more brave each day. A friend sent me the words of Psalm 23 from the Jesus Storybook Bible. Even when I walk through the dark, scary, lonely places I won’t be afraid because my shepherd knows where I am. He is here with me. He keeps me safe. He rescues me. He makes me strong and brave. As I watch Audrey grow into a very independent toddler, I’m reminded how similar I am in my relationship with God. I’m walking in a pretty dark, scary, and lonely place right now but how wonderful to know God knows exactly where I am and I don’t need to be afraid. He is going to make me strong and brave. The joy I find in watching Audrey get more brave by the day is profound. Today I’m going to relish in her bravery and ponder my own. What I have is the Lord’s, He has provided it. He has given me what I need for today and I don’t need to be afraid because He’s my shepherd and He will give me the strength to face the challenges in my path.