When I find the time to be still, I almost always cry. I wish that stillness wasn’t prompting so many tears… I wish that stillness could offer some sleep, or some wisdom, or just plain lack of thoughts some times. But instead, I find that when I’m able to sit still, and not just oh I have a moment to breathe kind of still, but the sitting in the presence of Jesus kind of still, I’m just so overcome with so many emotions that I cry. Its not always a sad cry. Sometimes its joy over the precious gift of Audrey Nole. Sometimes its gratitude for having been able to meet and hold my sweet son. Sometimes its frustration over feeling sad, yet again.
I don’t enjoy crying; I’m not really sure anyone does, but I particularly hate it. I don’t have one of those dainty little tear drops and a hankie kind of cries. No, for me, tears are almost always ugly and snotty. I had one of those ugly cries the other night after Audrey went to bed. Poor Adam came up the stairs after tucking her in and I was a snotty mess. He really is so gracious though, and he just quietly snuck in beside me and let me weep. When I had recovered from the ugliness, he asked me what was wrong. This is kind of a silly question these days… both of us know whats wrong. We both so desperately wanted to be raising our sweet boy. We both so desperately wanted him to continue to beat the odds and be healthy. That day had been really long. I had been sad and Audrey had picked up on it. But something happened when he took her down to bed. I turned the monitor on and I heard them saying their goodnight prayers. It was the sweetest, most loving, most worshipful moment of my entire day. Audrey and her daddy were saying their prayers. Thank you God for my friends and for time at the park, etc, etc, etc, AMEN. There was nothing profound about the prayer. I don’t even remember the exact words because they were so normal but it was what she said after the prayer (what she says after almost every prayer) that left me sobbing. “Jesus loves you. George Mason loves you SO much.”
Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heave belongs to such as these.” - Matthew 19:14
This small child, so innocent and so confident in what she knows. She knows what we’ve told her and out of all the things we’ve told her, those are the two most important, most concrete ideas for her to cling to. Yes, sweet girl! Jesus does love you! George Mason does love you! I know she’s too young to understand death and what it means. I know she’s too young to fully comprehend the words that she shouts with such conviction. I wish I could be more like her. I wish that I could say at all points of my day “Jesus loves you. George Mason loves you so much” They are so true and I pray that as she gets older and starts to understand more of this time in her life that she doesn’t lose that amazingly profound confidence in those words.
Today its my prayer to be able to feel the assurance of Christ’s love for me in the same innocent and confident way as my Audrey Nole. I’m thankful for the innocence of children and the promise that God’s kingdom belongs to them. I’m so encouraged by what that means for George Mason. I will never get to hear my son tell me he loves me but my daughter reminds me daily of his love because she knows God’s love. I will never again get to tell my son I love him, but my whole life will be spent loving him just as much as I love Audrey. And when all of us are reunited in heaven for eternity, I know he will know that he was loved by the few people who knew him and the many who knew about him. And you better believe there will be the most amazing embrace between a mother and her son, as I whisper once again in his ear, “Mama loves you”