Today marks 3 months since George Mason’s day. If he hadn’t gone to be with Jesus, he would be 3 months old. I know I say it all the time, but I honestly don’t even know how that’s possible. Our world got forever changed on that beautiful day in February and I’m so very thankful for it. 3 months feels like such an eternity and also the blink of an eye. I woke up this morning very aware of what day it was but I wasn’t prohibitively sad. I’m actually not really sad at all. Maybe its because I’ve been able to throw myself into our new normal and so this loss isn’t sitting at the foreground of my mind all the time. Or maybe its because God is healing this wound, ever so gently, and allowing me to take this date on the calendar and celebrate his life instead of mourn his death. Whatever the reason is, I’m thankful for God’s peace today. I’m thankful for the ability to go about my day, enjoying the present, and being able to look back fondly on February 10, 2017. 

There are so many things about that day that were just awful but there was one thing so extremely wonderful: We met our precious son. George Mason entered this world and we got to say hello, I love you, you are wonderful, you are God’s child. I held my second born child and my first son. I took in all of his tiny features and committed them to memory. I didn’t get to know him all that well but I imagine he would be just like his daddy. I introduced him to his big sister. I even got to feed him a tiny drop of mama’s milk. All of those things were absolutely wonderful and absolutely worth all of the stress and worry during my pregnancy with him. 

Its hard, when I sit down and really think about his day. I cry tears of joy and sorrow. I feel the pain of saying see you in heaven. I feel the happiness and wonder of new life. I think about it often and wish it had ended differently but it didn’t and so today I’m celebrating. I’m remembering the good parts of his day. I’m sitting in the quiet memories with fondness and gratefulness. I wish George Mason were here but since he can’t be here with me, I’m pretty excited that heaven gets to be his home. Losing my child was and is probably the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through but knowing that he was God’s child before he was mine makes that a little easier to handle. Knowing that God loves him infinitely more than I ever could have dreamt of loving someone makes it sting that much less. Knowing that he is at the feet of Jesus praising and singing makes my heart happy. God’s love is unreal and yet it is actually the most real thing ever. George Mason isn’t in pain or brokenness, he’s in paradise, and for that I’m extremely thankful. 

Thank you, Lord, for your unfailing love and your ever sustaining strength. 

And he said, “O man greatly loved, fear not, peace be with you; be strong and of good courage.” and as he spoke to me, I was strengthened and said, “Let my lord speak, for you have strengthened me.” - Daniel 10:19