Mother’s Day is coming up and I’m just seriously at a loss as to how to deal with and process it. I haven’t overly enjoyed Mother’s Day since my mom died anyway, but this year I have to face the fact that my son isn’t here to celebrate with. There will be no pictures of me with my two children. There won’t be cards picked out by their daddy and signed with scribbles. I mean, Adam and Audrey are probably planning something for Sunday, but I’m not even sure I’m in the mood. Is that awful? Can I just ignore this hallmark holiday this year? Can I just go on with life like it were any other Sunday?
All of me wishes that George Mason and Audrey could be here together. That Audrey could curiously and enthusiastically pick out a card with her daddy from her and George and then scribble away on the brief but sweet message Adam writes inside. I want to get my kiddos all dressed up in their Sunday best and hand Adam the camera. I wish that this year’s Mother’s Day wasn’t adding a level of complexity to a day I already don’t enjoy. I wish that this world wasn’t so broken and that my son could be here.
Every day I face the fact that my motherhood has this invisible layer. I face the fact that I have two beautiful babies but I can only hold and love on one of them. Its hard enough to get through the normal, mundane, general life days, I can’t even imagine what kind of sting is going to come with a day all about celebrating motherhood. My mama never got to see me as a mama and that is a really hard reality that I often try not to think about; except on Mother’s Day, its so very apparent. My mama is also in heaven with my son, where neither of them should be yet, and neither of them are with me. I know I’m not the first mother to lose a child and unfortunately I won’t be the last. My heart aches for those who have gone before me and breaks for those that will walk these same foot steps.
I don’t have any answers to these rambling thoughts on Mother’s Day. I still don’t know what we are going to do or even how much celebrating will be had. I don’t know anything except that God loves me, cares for me, and is always abundantly faithful to his promise to give me what I need for each new day. So as Sunday approaches and my anxiety is on high alert, I’m going to sink into the deep embrace of my Father and cry tears of joy and of sorrow. I’m going to wrap myself in the Words of truth from the scriptures and I’m going to give an extra long hug to my daughter. I’m going to thank God, whole heartedly for the gift of motherhood and I’m going to celebrate in whatever way I’m capable the two children who make me mama.
With my mouth I will give great thanks to the LORD; I will praise him in the midst of the throng. - Psalm 109:30