In this process of grief I find myself (more than I'd like to admit) searching and yearning for joy. So many days it feels like the horror of having lost my son is just too much for any "light" to shine at the end of this seemingly never ending tunnel. I want so badly to wake up and feel ok. I want to wake up and feel joy, pure and simple, joy. I want to be in love with this life and feel with every fiber of my being that my God is absolutely enough. 

That is a reality that I need to learn doesn't exist. That this side of heaven, perfection, in any form or part of my life is impossible. I don't mean to say that I am always gloomy or that there aren't happy memories or moments being shared. I have an amazing family and we are living life and enjoying ourselves as we do it. We see the "kisses from God" as each day ends and a new one begins. We feel His presence even in the worst of emotional days. But all of that being said, it's important for me to recognize that yearning. To be able to see the desire in myself for joy, so that I can remember that the God who hasn't failed me yet is actually the purest, most complete, most perfect source of that joy I so long for. So that I can recognize those moments of joy that are the work of his hand and really, honestly thank Him for that. 

Joyful are those who obey his laws and search for him with all their hearts. -Psalm 119:2

I'm not one to stray from the ESV, but that translation came across my newsfeed and it struck me. I've always read it as "blessed" are those... and while that's certainly true, it's really hard for me to break the word blessed from the idea of good things; that if I do what I'm told that God is going to give me good things. Blessed means good things... right? But it doesn't mean good THINGS like I attribute to it so selfishly. I know that if I'm dependent on myself in ANY way, that I will fail. That God doesn't need me to be perfect because He loves me anyway. Because He doesn't see my failings or my doubts (that I'm often too prideful to even admit to), instead he sees a precious child, covered in the cost of Jesus' blood. So when that specific translation showed up, it was such a special reminder. Joyful are those... joyful. In my head that doesn't require me to have been perfect and my goodness that's a good thing. 

Today isn't even a sad day. It's a good day. My sister is still here. We took Audrey to the zoo. Watching her wonderment is life giving. It's been a good day. But even on the good days, I yearn for joy. And as I read that verse, I realized that I'm not longing for joy... at least not solely.  I'm longing for Jesus. I'm deeply and convictingly longing for Jesus. Except He's right here. He's been right here. Sometimes I just forget that. So it's my prayer for today, a particularly good day, that in those moments where my breath is taken away because I miss my son so much, that I would search for Jesus with my whole heart; because it is THERE that I will find joy.