I went dress shopping yesterday. A task that I don’t overly enjoy in even the most joyous of occasions, but this trip was to find something to wear when we bury George Mason; this was a task that I never imagined myself having to do. When we had his celebration of life service back in February, I could barely stand upright, let alone make it out of the house to find something special to wear. And honestly, I’m not sure I would have ever worn whatever I might have purchased for that day ever again. Between being 1 week postpartum and the sorrow that would have filled that dress as it hung in my closet, it likely would have ended up at goodwill. 

We are burying George Mason’s ashes in just a couple of weeks. Its been 6 full months since his day and this is sort of the last piece of our closure, for whatever that is worth. It’s been a hard couple of weeks at home with various other stressors in our life, but the grief over George Mason has generally been calming down. I didn’t really think finding a dress (or outfit, or whatever) would be a hard thing. If anything, I thought maybe finding something that was new and made me feel pretty would be helpful on that day. But I struck out. I couldn’t pull the trigger on a single dress. There were reason after reason why this one wasn’t right or that one was wrong. And then, as I walked home from some alone shopping, I lost it. Full on ugly cry - the first in months - as I tried my best to breathe as I walked straight up hill. 

I know this is all so trivial when I think about all the things going on in our country. I know that the news cycle is showing evil in some of its worst forms raging loud for the world to see. But even though my grief over my son is one small thing in the big picture of this world, of God’s great creation, its a big thing to me and to Adam, and sometimes moments just get the best of me. Sometimes, seeing and hearing about the brokenness of this world makes my personal experience with it that much deeper. Its times like this that I cry loud for Jesus to come quickly. Its times when the devil seems to be so comfortable in this world that I scream for Jesus. That I run to the words written in my bible for their comfort and their truth. That I hit my knees and pour out my heart to the one who is ultimately sovereign. 

This season of our lives is shaping us. It is molding our faith and our relationship with our savior. It is my prayer and my hope that it is being shaped in such a way that I would come out of this with a deeper affection for my creator and savior. It is my prayer that my son’s life, short as it was, would not be the reason I turned away from Jesus but instead drew closer to Him and his promises. Lately I’ve had a hard time honestly believing I can trust God with everything. I’ve struggled with giving him my thoughts and handing over my anxieties. Some days it seems so natural to just simply trust him. Some days it feels like an exercise in futility. But one thing that has proven true, regardless of anything else, is my need for God; my utter dependence on him to wake up every morning and get through every day. So even on the days when I don’t feel like he is trustworthy, I can know that he is. And even on the days when I ugly cry over a silly dress, God is meeting me right there. Under the florescent lights in those department store dressing rooms. In the dusk of a drooping sun. In the snot filled, tear soaked tissues, that wipe my face when the brokenness of this world is just too much for the moment. 

“Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock.” - Matthew 7:24

Thankful that even though the world’s brokenness catches up with and overwhelms me, that is never the case for God. Thankful that God is the rock on which I can stand in the turmoil of evil. God is my foundation and I’m learning with each day just how important that is. 


When darkness veils His lovely face,
I rest on His unchanging grace;
In every high and stormy gale,
My anchor holds within the veil.
On Christ the solid rock I stand,
all other ground is sinking sand
all other ground is sinking sand