Yesterday was a day full of tears. I spent the previous days on the brink of sobbing but never quite actually cried. Little things would set off a well of tears and then real life would call and on I would go with my day. It's been 2 weeks {yesterday} since we met and held our sweet little man. Today was his due date. I don't know if all of those things just subconsciously crept up on me, but as I sit here today, I'm very aware of those landmarks. I'm weird about dates and numbers, and though I never expected - well I guess never isn't quite fair because at the beginning of this pregnancy I completely expected to make it to our due date - to give any special value to
February 25, it still is on the front of my mind.
As I sat here yesterday with an ice pack on my incision and a flood of tears just waiting to break the dam, I realized that the most helpful thing I've done to process all of these emotions the last weeks/months has been to write; to be brutally honest with myself in the notes section of my iPhone. It has helped me focus on what I'm really feeling and allow myself to grieve, or to cry, or remember those 16 hours. I'm so afraid of forgetting. I want to always remember what he smelled like, or what his skin felt like. I never want to forget his delicate little face or those precious fingers. I want to hold closely the events of that day: from basically emergency surgery in the wee hours of the morning to the raw and chilling emotions of waiting for reports from the NICU. I don't want to forget the moment when I heard him cry as they passed him through the window in the OR. And as hard as it is to recall, I honestly will forever treasure those moments of quiet snuggles before he went to be with Jesus; and I absolutely don't want to forget.
So as I sobbed during nap time, I realized I want to write it all down. I want to share this terribly wonderful story of a sweet boy who has completely changed my life and my faith. I don't know exactly what that is going to look like and how long it will take me to tell the whole story, but I'm eager to go through this next part of my journey. This raw, unfiltered, good days and bad days, joy in the midst of sorrow, life goes on even though it doesn't seem like it should, journey.
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"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9