It’s been a week since we left our house. A week that has not been without its share of emotions, but honestly, mostly good. For the first time in a long time I’m genuinely excited about the season of life we’re in. Yesterday, we closed on our new home; a project house with great bones. The process of buying was a lot more smooth than selling and I’m thankful for the months of distraction this new project is going to provide. Every day further from saying goodbye to our son is one day closer to the day when we could possibly welcome a new child into our family. Knowing the timeline of waiting and then the unknowns of fertility and conception, makes the days long with anticipation and memory. It will be good to dive into something with my whole self. It will be good to build something for our family that isn’t already tainted by grief and loss. A fresh start and a wonderful distraction. Just one of the ways my caring God cares for me.
I’m not sure why, but I’ve been thinking a lot about George Mason’s grave today. I even texted my sisters and asked them to place some flowers. It’s very out of character for me to be that way. It’s out of the ordinary that I would have any thoughts at all about a cemetery marker, but when I think about it, everything about this last couple years has been out of the ordinary. There is almost nothing that has gone as one would expect or plan. A mother isn’t supposed to die at 55. A positive pregnancy test isn’t supposed to end with an empty cradle. A family isn’t supposed to be missing a person after only 16 hours of life. Our time here in Utah has been extraordinary - probably why I have such mixed feelings about being here - all of the things that aren’t supposed to happen have happened. I suppose it’s not all that strange for me to be thinking about my son’s grave. The one constant in all of this has been our loving God. In every low and every high, God has been here, holding tight to us as his precious children. I find myself often recalling the lyrics from one of my favorite songs: oh no, you never let go, in every high and every low, Lord you never let go of me. I sing those words because there is no greater comfort than knowing that no matter what, no matter how, no matter my belief/faith, God is ALWAYS there and there is nothing that will change that about Him.
My sisters didn’t think twice about my request and asked if I wanted real or faux flowers. That’s the amazing thing about how God works and loves us. I’ve had an extraordinary year and my thoughts and request today are in keeping with that. But God has placed wonderful, kind, loving, understanding people in every aspect of my life. Because He is good. So, so good.