As I look over my days I try to find those little things to be thankful for and be intentional about saying out loud to my heavenly Father. Some days its something as small as a wildflower discovered by a curious Audrey Nole. Some days its as big as me being willing to accept my sons life as a precious gift and not feel so focused on his death. Today, I’m thankful for spring weather; blue skies, buds on trees, singing birds, and bare shoulders. I very much enjoy His creation during these warmer months and I’m so glad that I’m not going through this grief in the middle of a snow storm. It sounds silly to even say that but I’m truly affected by the weather and so its a big deal in my little piece of life to have blue skies and warm weather. 

I’ve been listening to worship music, basically on repeat,  the last few weeks. I’m trying to fill my days with not so subtle reminders that my God is good. I’m sitting outside, enjoying this weather and listening to the words of humans, just like me, and their hearts for God, and its encouraging my broken heart. 

God give me a heart abandoned
Ever after You alone
Gold and silver, You can take it
All I want is You, my Lord

And when I’ve been a fool
and I hid from You
You still called out my name
And when my flesh is weak
will You help me see
You are all that I need?

Most days I would consider myself more in the category of that second set of lyrics. I don’t really feel like I’m hiding from my God, but I can honestly say that there are times when all I can do in His presence is cry. Today is not one of those days but it seems like without acknowledging those days and the challenge they present I can’t really appreciate the days that aren’t sad and tearful. I know that on those days He hears my cries, He hears the words that I can’t get out, and He loves me. How awesome is it to know that even in our worst and weak moments, He still calls us by name? He knows us, the deepest, darkest parts of us, and He still calls us to be closer to Him. He still comforts us. 

Lord, forgive me for not believing that all the time. Lord, let me long for only You. Fill my heart, my mind, and my body with You alone; You are the only thing that can heal the brokenness I feel and that is in this world. Today, Lord, let me celebrate my sweet George Mason and the work he did on this earth for God’s glory. Let me openly acknowledge the impact he has had on my life and my faith. Give me the words to share that impact with others, particularly Audrey Nole. And even in the moments when I’m quiet and overcome by the pain, let me feel that pain and weep but be able to get up and thank You for another day and the strength you gave me to get through it and enjoy it.

Today I’m remembering our son. His perfect little nose. His tiny little feet. His long fingers, just like his sister. His chubby baby cheeks. His ear folds, just like his daddy. The peaceful way he snuggled with us. The joy he brought us and the privilege we have of calling ourselves his parents. God entrusted him to us and today I’m shouting from the rooftops that I’m so very thankful for that.

"Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you." - Thessalonians 5:16-18