Jesus you are unfailing. These words showed up yesterday as I felt sad and needed to fill my cup with worship songs and dance parties in the kitchen.
As each new day comes, I get one day closer to the day that this hurts less. I get one day closer to reuniting with my son in heaven. But I also get one day farther from the day I held him. One day farther from his beautiful and miraculous life. I have to remind myself daily that he was wonderful, perfect, and something to be celebrated. We had a baby. That's a huge thing and it deserves all the joy that comes with bringing new life into our family. Right now, it seems like the pain and sadness of losing George Mason is clouding that joy and celebration. It doesn’t seem possible to feel the good parts of this journey because the ugly parts are so very ugly. God gave me, us, more than we could ever possibly handle. He handed us this part of our lives, knowing it was more than we could deal with. Emotionally, physically, mentally, spiritually… if we try to get through this on our own, its too much and we will (and in small moments, we do) fail. Thankfully God didn’t just hand us these cards and say “good luck.” He walked us right up to the cliff and said, trust me, I’ve got this. I am who I say I am. I am going to be the strength that gets you through today and tomorrow, and every day until you come into glory and join your son in worship. I am going to be the reason you can, and will, celebrate your son in the midst of his death. This we know, we will see the enemy run. This we know, we will see the victory come.
Most days I feel overwhelmed by the thought of our future. I think about all the plans that I had, the pictures I painted in my mind of what “The McGoughs” looked like; both now and 10, 15, 20 years from now. In one day, all of those pictures changed. My mom lost one of her brothers to cancer when she was 18. She had 18 whole years with him and yet I know very little about him. I know that she loved him. I know that she adored her big brother. I know that she missed him a lot after he was gone. I have seen a few pictures of him and I’ve heard a few stories. What does that mean for the future and remembering George Mason? We don’t have 18 years of stories to share with our future children - or even with Audrey - we have 16 hours of life outside the womb; most of which we didn’t even get to spend with him because the doctors were trying to save his life. Its the days like yesterday, when I’m full of sadness and overwhelmed by the fact that life is moving on, that I’m thankful for a God who makes promises that He intends to keep. I wasn’t able to get through yesterday on my own. I’m less sad today but still feeling the pain of this grief and I can’t get through today on my own either. God knows that and He gave me internet access and some very, very talented musicians to remind me that I’m not in this alone. That Jesus is unfailing.
Our small group just started a new study and its on the book of Acts. Last night was our first night back since all of this happened and I laughed a little at God when we read the verses for the evening: “[Jesus] said to them, ‘It is not for you to know times or seasons that the Father has fixed by his own authority.’” I know that those words were in response to a very literal question that the apostles posed, but they are so fitting for today and for my reality. Its convicting and simultaneously comforting, to know that even the men who met Jesus face to face felt the need to ask why? and when? and how? They wanted the details of God’s timeline. I think as humans, and particularly for type A humans, knowing the details and the reasons for something make understanding it and processing it so much easier. I have no idea why things turned out this way and why God didn’t save my son’s life when I know with certainty that He could have. It would be so wonderful for me to know the reasons… to know the why or even to know when things are going to be wrapped up in a pretty little bow and made whole and good and right. But God hasn’t given me those details. He has just promised that things will work out for good for those that love him. That’s hard for me but its drawing me closer and closer to him as I have no choice but to trust Him. He reminds me each day that He loves me and that He’s bigger than my pain. He is working through my pain, through George Mason’s life, through my tears, through the little celebrations, and through the joy I find in each day, to keep His promises. We hold on, to every promise you ever made, Jesus you are unfailing.
Thank you Jesus for being unfailing. “You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you. Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord God is an everlasting rock.” - Isaiah 26:3-4