Today feels like one of those days where you want to curl up and hide from life. Its nasty outside, again, and Audrey is driving me crazy. She hasn’t stopped whining since she woke up this morning. I keep telling myself, only x more hours until bedtime; likely for both of us. Part of that desire for bedtime is a result of the swell of emotions that seem to come tumbling after me when I’m having a hard day. Its hard enough to get through a day when I’m in a bad mood, but to add the weight of missing my son on top of it makes it seem impossible. A hormonal mama, terrible two year old, and grey skies is the perfect recipe for a bad day…
I don’t know what it is about a toddler, but they can always sense when you’re at the brink of your emotional capacity. I’ve almost cried at least once an hour today. Some times because she’s being so defiant, but other times because she’s being so sweet and talking about her brother. Its days like today that make me so very aware of my need for Jesus. Days when all I’d like to do is hide from the world, I know without a doubt that I won’t make it through without God’s capacity for loving my hot-mess, hormonal, emotional self. Audrey has reminded me about 10 times already this morning that George Mason is out of my belly and that he’s in heaven with Jesus. I can barely type that through the tears that it brings with it. I want my son to be here today. I want to hold him. I want to give him sweet kisses. I can’t do any of those things, and so on this particularly weird day, I would rather curl up and hide.
When I think about hiding, I’m reminded of how Audrey will hide her face in mine or Adam’s chests when she’s having a rough day. She cries out, usually without words, and we scoop her up in our arms and hold her close. She will nuzzle into the safety of our arms and hide her face while she takes a deep breath and life gets better. What does that look like for me? Will I take this opportunity to be swooped up into my heavenly father’s arms? The security of being deep in His presence, hiding my face while I take a breath and calm down? Listening to the sweet words of assurance that its all going to be alright… that’s what I need to do today. I can’t hide from the world and all of the hurt that I’m experiencing these days, but I can run into the deep embrace of a God who loves so incredibly deeply.
When I’m feeling particularly weary, I’m drawn into the psalms. I’ve spent so much time there, praying through them, yelling through them, crying through them, and ultimately being extremely comforted through them. The words of David are so true today. God should be my hiding place when I’m feeling overwhelmed. God should be my hiding place when I need comfort or to be encouraged that it will all be alright. There is so much hurt poured out but it is resolved in the end by God’s amazing grace and ability to heal our wounds and dry our tears.
“You are my hiding place. you will protect me from trouble and surround me with songs of deliverance.” - Psalm 32:7
“He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the former things have passed away." - Revelation 21:4
I don’t know why some days the pain of missing George Mason hits harder than others. I don’t know why Audrey can sense that and it seems like she makes it worse… but what I do know is that God is the perfect hiding place. God is going to make it all better in the end, and until then, he wants me to run to him. So today, I’m going to let my Father scoop me up into His perfect embrace while I do the same for Audrey Nole and we’ll all make it through today; and every day after that.