I slept last night. For the first time in months, I went to bed and woke up refreshed. It really is amazing what a good night’s sleep can do for your overall state of mind. I didn’t have nightmares or toss and turn through memories and tears. I just slept. Hard, deep, wonderful sleep. Thank you, Jesus, for that.
I’m at the beach with an old and dear friend. A much needed trip outside of my life at home and all of the reminders of my precious son. That’s not to say that I don’t still miss him (or Adam & Audrey for that matter) while I’m here. I do. I always do. I certainly wish that George Mason were living over a girls’ beach trip… There is no question. But there is something about inserting myself into the untamed way of the ocean that has always been so peaceful and healing to me. The sounds of the waves are inescapable. You hear them all the time. The smell of the salt water and the gentle (and sometimes not so) way the breeze kisses your skin, are not things you can get away from. They are, to me, such a wonderfully tangible reminder that God is everywhere. He is in the tides, in the wind, in the sunshine over the horizon. God’s craftsmanship is all over this thing we call the beach. You cannot escape Him and that’s a really, really good thing to be reminded of.
God is so good. This trip was kind of last minute. It was a desperate attempt to fill my time with something fun and out of the ordinary. It was meant as a celebration of my dear friend with hope of offering some healing to my broken heart. I'm having such a good time, reminiscing and catching up. Old memories and new life stories are being shared. Friendship is such a wonderful gift. It is a place where the goings on of life can be shared and pondered through lenses of perspective. We sat on the balcony last night and talked about my son. Not because she wanted to know how I'm doing but because she knows how I'm doing and wanted to talk about George Mason. I didn't cry or choke up, I just talked about my son and his precious life over a soundscape of ocean waves.
It feels good to just be. To talk about my son because I want to and because someone wants to hear because they love me. So much like God does. He wants me to come talk to Him. I don't always feel like He's listening, but then I realize I've been sitting on the balcony with him more times than I count. I don't have to talk to him in some crazy formal, predetermined time and space, kind of way. God just wants me to talk because he knows how I'm doing.
Let your steadfast love come to me, O LORD, your salvation according to your promise; then shall I have an answer for him who taunts me, for I trust in your word. -Psalm 119:41
I've been so preoccupied by George Mason's death. All of the things about his short life fill my mind when I'm quiet and still. I want to be better about praying those words from Psalm 119. I know that God's love is real and awesome and me asking for it has nothing to do with its existence but I still want to ask for it to come to me. He has proven time and again that He meets me where I am. That He is there in the quiet and still when my heart hurts the most. That He is there in the joy and the sorrow. Gods word is the answer to the things that are taunting me. The quiet and still are taunting me. Gods Word is the answer. He is the answer. If I fill my head with the things my heart already knows, then what can truly taunt me?
I don't know if or when the quiet moments of my day will ever be free of missing my son or of the sadness that comes from that. But I do know that God mourns alongside me. He is heartbroken with me that this world is broken and that death even exists. Today, I'm thankful for the ocean. For its vast, awe inspiring, comfort and calming. As I breathe the salt air and feel the wind on my face, I feel God all around me. The beach touches all of your senses. You can see, touch, taste, hear, and smell it. It is my prayer that even after I leave this place, even after I go back to the normalcy of my life, that I would remember that God is all around. That He is the architect of all creation and the answer to the things that taunt me.