Yesterday I was taking Audrey to the doctor. Her pediatrician's office is in the hospital. We parked the car, just like we do every time she has a doctor appointment, and started walking to the entrance. Hand in hand and full of conversation, this was just like any other day. Until it wasn't. Seemingly out of nowhere, she stopped mid sentence and asked me if we were going to see George Mason. My heart sunk.
I wish I could say that I didn't know what to say but she talks about him so much that I have some pretty standard responses tucked away for most of the questions or things she brings up. This was new though. She's always told me things that are true. Things that I can refute or even really correct her on. Butthis time she asked a question that I had to correct. "No, we can't go see George Mason. He's in heaven with Jesus, remember?"
I feel like if she had asked me this even 2 weeks ago I would have lost it. If I'm being honest, I almost did. I kept waiting for the tears to well up as we walked into the hospital and down the halls to the pediatrician's clinic. They never came. Instead there was just this weight; inexplicable and tender yet exhausting. I lost focus on the task at hand. I was thinking about this turn that Audrey's mind had taken. I wondered if this meant her brain is understanding something new about this thing, about her brother. I worried that just as I'm turning a corner in this grief journey that this open wound is going to be poked again. And then her doctor walked in and I had to snap back to reality.
I'm dreading the cycles and seasons of Audrey's grief. I'm worried about how to help her process this big thing that even the most mature and seasoned of adults have trouble working through. How do I help her in her journey when I'm struggling through my own? The wonderful thing about all of this is that I don't have to. The very same God who has comforted me, sustained me, provided new mercies every single morning, He is going to help Audrey. He is going to take the lead and guide her through her grief as her young mind matures and begins to better understand that she has a brother in heaven and what that means. The Spirit is going to give me the words when they are necessary and His grace is going to get me through those heart stopping moments.
So just like Audrey and I walk hand in hand, God is holding our hands and speaking to our hearts. He is who He says He is and who He says He is is pretty dang great.