I’ve been tossing all these thoughts around in my head for the last week or so. I’m not content. I’m longing for the future but it seems futile. I’m grasping for joy and contentment in my today but it is so frustrating. I want God to give me a black and white answer. I want Him to say to me, “Jillian, THIS is what I have for you. Go and do it.” I want Him to lay out this perfect path for me to follow. I don’t even care where it leads me, I just want to know because I’m tired of the unknown.
I went away last week. Just me. I spent wonderful time alone, wonderful time with God, and wonderful time with one of my oldest friends. By all accounts, it was a perfectly refreshing, much needed break from reality to reset and come back with my cup full; ready to tackle the life waiting for me back home. Except when I got back, I wasn’t full and satisfied. I was full and frustrated. I realized as I sat on that beach, enjoying God’s marvelous creation, that as much as I miss my son, I’m not angry that he’s in heaven. Heaven is a wonderful place. George Mason is in the most perfect hands. I’m not angry about that at all. Instead, I’m mad at God for allowing this horrible thing to happen. Why, if I am not going to be allowed to have two precious children at home did He give me a child and then take him away? Why, if I was going to go through an entire pregnancy and recovery, am I facing an empty cradle and empty arms??
As I ask myself - and God - those questions, I get mad at myself. I don’t want to be angry with God. I don’t want to be unhappy in my today or constantly looking to tomorrow. I want so desperately to know what is coming so I can relax into what He has for me today. So, as I angrily throw my “why??” at God, I simultaneously pray that He would rid me of my anger and fill me with His joy. I ask that as I battle the lies of my broken heart that He would sustain me not just to survive today, but to thrive and enjoy this place He has put me.
The Son is the radiance of God’s glory and the exact representation of his being, sustaining all things by his powerful word. After he had provided purification for sins, he sat down at the right hand of the Majesty in heaven. -Hebrews 1:3
Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen. -Hebrews 11:1
God will continue to lead me. He may or may not show me where I’m going (and that’s something that I have to give me heart to God about) but He will always be leading. He won’t stop. He will never stop being God; being the hand that holds me so that even if I stumble along the path, I won’t fall. He can choose to alleviate my anxieties over the future by giving me the answer I want or He can let His Spirit fill me with the joy and peace that only God can sustain. I hate that I’m angry with God today. I hate it but its where this grief journey has led me today. I read those verses in Hebrews and realize that even in my anger, in my anxiety over the whys and what nexts, God sustains all things. All things. His Word will continue to challenge me and comfort me. He will continue to be God while I wrestle with this stage of my grief. Who knows, maybe tomorrow I won’t be angry at all. I don’t know the plans that God has for me, but He does, and he’s going to complete His work in me despite me.
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. -Jeremiah 29:11
And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ. -Phillipians 1:6