Today is 16 weeks without my precious baby boy. 16 weeks of tears. 16 weeks of life; joy and sorrow, pain and freedom from pain, laughter, heartache, things remembered and memories made.
It seems like the suffering of this last few months had somewhat subsided. I had grown accustomed to this new "normal" that Adam and Audrey and I are living. There was and is still pain, but it had become "manageable" or something... I'm not even sure. But then this week hit me. This wave of sorrow. This hatred of the constant unknown in our life. This seemingly unwarranted, definitely unwanted, out pouring of tears. Not only did our lives change forever on February 10, and then have to keep moving forward, everyone and everything around us is also moving forward. There are growing families, new jobs, trips, projects, you name it, life goes on. Except our life has gone on with this huge missing piece. I don't even call it a void. I can't even call it that. George Mason is ever present in my thoughts. He was a beautiful little boy whose life wasn't long enough. He existed. He was and is so very loved. He is a part of our family. He's not a void, he's just that one piece of the puzzle that you know the exact shape of and where it fits but it's lost. You can finish the puzzle, you can even see the picture in its entirety, but there's a hole where that piece is supposed to be. George Mason should physically be here but he's not. I recall his tiny and perfect little features all the time. I can picture what his life might have looked like. I know him. I love him. I miss him.
I wish I had some epiphany type revelation to dwell on today. Some glorious way in which my Good Father has filled that hole where the puzzle piece should be. Instead I just have as many questions as ever and as much or more tears. This grief thing sucks. I’m sure that anyone who has experienced it would absolutely agree. I keep reminding myself that its ok to not be ok. That I can cry or yell and God is listening; He is sustaining me through this storm. Some days thats a really helpful thing to tell myself. Some days I don’t have to remind myself of that because I know it and feel it. Today, I need the reminder. I needed to sit down with my computer and my tears and just pour out the agony through which I’m experiencing today.
There are a lot of decisions on the horizon for Adam and me. On these bad, tear filled days, I worry that we won’t make the right one because our judgement is clouded by fear, or anger, or just emotion in general. I pray that as we face our future and the many decisions that come with being adults/parents/spouses, we trust in the God who has gotten us through to this point and will continue to do so. I pray that even on the bad days, we would still see our need for Jesus and continue longing to walk in His footsteps. That we wouldn’t veer off the path He has laid for us because it might seem easier or simpler or whatever. But instead, that we would cling to Jesus and truly trust that He is working all things together for our good. I don’t know why this grief is a part of my story, our story, and I probably won’t know this side of heaven. What I do know, is that George Mason’s life, as short as it was, has changed mine and touched so many others. God is working through this grief. He is working through the pain of loss and the joy of living in faith. It doesn’t make it any better, but it does make it worth doing. It makes living this life, missing piece and all, totally, 100% worth it. It makes loving on Audrey and raising her to know and love Jesus necessary. It makes bedtime snuggles and “one more book” moments that much more special. George Mason is missing from our day to day but he is ever present in our hearts and memories. God is not going to let me forget him. That sweet, brave, strong little man left an impact on my life that I will always cherish.
For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence, for my hope is from him. He only is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not be shaken. On God rests my salvation, and my glory; my mighty rock, my refuge is God. Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your heart before him; God is a refuge for us. -Psalm 62-5-8