I've been focusing a lot of my journaling on the pain of this grief over George Mason. It isn't the only aspect of this journey but it is the part that hurts the most. The pain leads to sadness and frustration and even doubt. Anger, even bargaining, have come from the pain that loss brings with it. Loss sucks, period. People lose jobs, that sucks. People lose loved ones, that sucks. Its even a major pain in the neck when you lose something as silly as your keys. It's no big secret that I'm not ok with this loss or that my definition of "ok" has changed and evolved in the last 2 years as I learn what life looks like without my mom and now my son. The pain of loss has been on the forefront of my mind but as I take a second to examine what God is doing in my life, I realize there is something so much bigger. As I was walking around the park this morning trying to clear my head and get out of this funk of sadness, I was listing to worship music. I was singing loud in my head because I couldn’t make the sounds through the anger and tears and hurt of this past week. And then I heard these words:
All of this pain, this heartbreak, it's lying to me. I know I've said that before but I need to remind myself. When my heart hurts, like really deeply, ugly cry hurts, I can't imagine how a good God could let this happen. I wonder if He was ever really capable of healing George Mason, or maybe I run towards the deception that God didn't really love me or George Mason. Whatever doubt, whatever frustration, whatever sin-tainted desolation I feel, it's all because of the lies of my broken heart. And since I'm not a perfect person, I cry and yell at God, going on with my doubt and believing my broken heart and it's lies.
God knows that my heart is lying to me. He knows that evil is creeping in at the weakest moment to try and pry me away from trusting Him. The most amazing part... He forgives me for those moments when I yell or doubt. He forgives me and he never stops loving. He never stops existing. What an amazing comfort to know that He is God, He is who He says He is, no matter my mood or my belief. What an amazing comfort to know that He is big enough, good enough, gracious enough, merciful enough, to take my doubt and my tears when I throw them at Him and instead of holding them against me, He wipes them from the record. He forgives me and gives me the freedom that comes with that.
This past week was hard. It was full of sadness and tears. It was full of frustration with this life I’m living. Every time I sat down to tell God how I really feel, i just cried. Every time I sat down to tell myself how I really felt, I cried. I had a bad attitude and begged God to take it away. I don’t know that my attitude today is any better than yesterday, but what I do know is that God is just as good today as yesterday and will be just as good tomorrow. I know that I’ve been forgiven for every single time I’ve ever doubted and for every time I will doubt in the future. I’m thankful for that song this morning. I’m thankful that despite my attitude, God is still with me and for me. I’m thankful that every day is a new day with mercies accordingly. A good friend once told me if I’m going to cry, crying at the feet of Jesus isn’t a bad place to be. I agree. I hope this week doesn’t bring with it as many tears as last and I hope that my attitude turns around, but if it doesn’t, I’m thankful for a God who understands, loves, listens, and forgives.
The LORD your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exalt over you with loud singing. -Zephaniah 3:17