Yesterday was Father's Day. It was a day that I didn't want to face. I didn't want to celebrate my husband's fatherhood without both of our children. It was a long week leading up to Sunday and I was dreading that day. Some silly day on the calendar that has no significance except that it's a certain Sunday in June.
Sunday was actually really nice. We got up and had cinnamon rolls as a family. Audrey gave Adam her card and told him "Happy Mother's Day daddy" almost like we had practiced. She grinned from ear to ear when he put on the sunglasses she picked out for him. It was a sweet way to start any day, but particularly that day. As Sunday continued there was golf on tv and family snuggles and time with dear friends. God is good. Father's Day could have been really really hard. It could have been full of ugly cries and short tempers. Instead, in the midst of the sorrow and the reality that one of our children is not here with us, it was relaxing and ordinary. Ordinary hasn't defined much of our life the last few months, so it was quite a blessing to feel so normal for once.
Today started out so normal too. Just another Monday.... except at about 2pm Audrey asked me a question that caught me completely off guard. She was playing dress up and mommy and was feeding her baby doll whenshe looked up and said, "when does George Mason come home with us?" My heart sank in that moment. I didn't really have time to think of an answer because it was so out of the blue - she still talks about him a lot but it's becoming less frequent - so I told her that George Mason couldn't come home with us because he was in heaven instead. She responded with, "he's with Jesus!" and then life went on. Whatever sparked that thought in her mind, those words satisfied. I wanted to throw up and cry and thank God for her all in the same instant. And then I grabbed my keys and we were loading the car to run some errands.
I asked myself a few times over the afternoon where that question came from. I so wish I knew what was going through her mind... but when the tears never really fell, I just let it go; or so I thought. But as I climbed in bed for the night, I realized I'm still holding on to that question. I'm still chewing on the "why today?" and "where did that come from?" questions. Here I am at almost midnight, wide awake, and wishing my son were here. Wishing I was sitting in the nursery, rocking a sweet, sleeping baby boy just because I wanted a few more minutes of uninterrupted snuggles. I know that it's not all bad all the time. I know that our little family is starting to experience more ordinary days; and I'm so thankful for God's grace in that respect. But I also know that every day I miss my sonEvery day I notice his absence, even when there aren't reminders. Every day, whether Audrey notices or not, George isn't here and he should be.
So since I'm awake, I pray that even though I'm so very aware of what our ordinary is missing that Audrey would still be able to see God's awesomeness. That she would always respond with the same enthusiasm as today when she exclaimed her brother was with Jesus! That even though this really hard thing has turned our world upside down and sideways, she would know her God loves her. That her God loves her mama and is oh so good. That her God loves her daddy and will continue to meet each day with mercies perfectly matched for that day. That this God we serve is indescribable and will get us through each day until we our singing with her brother (and Grammy) and the angels in eternity. That she will grow up resting in the embrace of the God who is all that we could ever need.
Her question today was a punch in the gut, but it was also a much needed reminder that we are going to be ok. That God has got this and no matter how hard it seems on any given day, it's not more than God can handle. That George Mason will always be remembered and missed but that we can exclaim boldly that he is with Jesus!
I lay down and slept; I woke again, for the LORD sustained me. - Psalms 3:5