I've been thinking a lot lately about George Mason's day. It will be remembered as one of the most wonderful and horrible days I've ever encountered. It is the day that my beautiful son was born. The day that we got to meet the tiny person that had been fighting for his life for all those months. It was the day that God planned, not the day that I chose. It was George Mason's life. February 10, 2017. 

I try not to be disappointed in the memories I have of that day but sometimes that's a really hard thing to do. There are so many things that I wish had gone differently. So many things that I would have loved to have been different. So many things that had to happen because my son's life needed saving, but so many things that make that day really hard. I remember his tiny little cry at 4:53am. I remember the weight that lifted off my shoulders when I heard it. I remember that feeling of "we made it!" and "praise Jesus!" and "did we get our miracle?!" I was exhausted, we were exhausted. Our babies don't like to bring us to the hospital at normal hours... we had been up all night. I labored through a long night, despite the inevitable c section. I remembered being so frustrated by that but being so nervous and anxious to meet my baby I never pushed the nurses. When that little cry could be heard from behind the curtain as they passed him into the NICU, I took my first deep breathe in hours. I had so much hope. All I wanted was to hold him but instead I prayed for his health and hoped. 

We had met with the neonatologist on service for the day that was supposed to be George Mason's birthday. He had told us that there would be several things he and the NICU staff would have to do right away but that once those things were done, adam could come meet our son. He told us that would hopefully only be 30 minutes. I remember thinking that those 30 minutes were going to feel like an eternity. It wasn't 30 minutes. It was almost 6 hours... each 30 minute block that passed I got a little less excited, a lot more assertive, and so much more worried. Adam and I were so tired but before either of us could close our eyes, we needed to know our baby boy was going to be ok. Finally, at 11:13am, we got to meet our son. He was perfect. 

We couldn't spend much time with him because they still didn't have him fully stabilized but the nurses and staff in the NICU were so kind. They made us feel welcome. They got excited along with us. They answered any questions we might have and left to our imaginations the things we didn't have the heart to ask. They encouraged us, loved us, loved on our son, and fought hard along side him. When we got back to my hospital room I needed to sleep. I could barely keep my eyes open but I wanted to badly to hold my son. Touching his hand was wonderful, but it wasn't embracing him like I had imagined for all those months. In just a couple more hours they allowed us to go back and visit him. We stayed for longer than they probably wanted, but being by his side was all I wanted and they knew that. 

I get a little jealous when I see pictures of brand new babies on their mama's chests. That moment is incredible and I didn't get it with George Mason. I know the reasons why I didn't. I know that if I had been given that moment that things would've been so much worse. I know that. But knowing something doesn't make it any easier to process its reality. God has been ever present in this journey with me. He has met meet in the darkest moments to comfort me. He has celebrated, rejoiced with, mourned alongside, and held me through this roller coaster of grief. He is a great God. He is good God. He is kind and compassionate and full of everything I need, just when I need it. All of those things are why I'm capable of waking up to face another day. His majesty and power are sustaining me. He knows I'm going to get jealous. He also knows I'm genuinely happy for those mama's and their sweet babes. He knows I'm just figuring out what life looks like without my baby. He is the pillar of fire leading me through the wilderness and He's going to keep providing manna for every day. 

Your words were found, and I ate them, and your words became to me a joy and the delight of my heart, for I am called by your name, O Lord, God of hosts. - Jeremiah 15:16

Then the Lord said to Moses, “Behold, I am about to rain bread from heaven for you, and the people shall go out and gather a day's portion every day, that I may test them, whether they will walk in my law or not. - Exodus 16:4