Adam and I have been so busy lately. It feels like there's no time for acknowledging grief. We are swept up in busy times (for good and healthy reasons) and while it has been providing a good distraction from the missing piece of our family, it leaves the quiet moments of reflection few and far between. Tomorrow is Independence Day. It is a day that is always full of good food, fellowship, and fireworks. We have been planning our escape from the summer heat to spend time with friends. It's very likely going to be a wonderful day. Except it's not going to be without its sorrow.
I got Audrey a cute little red, white, and blue outfit and while I was there I saw all the darling little infant outfits. I've always had fun dressing my daughter, but the stuff for little boys is just so darn dapper. It makes me sad that instead of dressing my precious son in something to celebrate America, I'm grieving his loss. It makes me sad that on a day that will be so wonderfully full of all kinds of good things, we will know and feel the hole of George Mason's absence. Tomorrow is another first. It's another holiday without our son. It's a day on the calendar meant for celebrating and we have to live through it with mixed emotions. Our community here is like family. They are loving, caring, supportive. They are grieving George Mason along side us. We will be surrounded by people whom we love and who love us and that will be so life giving. It will make this celebration so joyful. It will be necessary and wonderful. But we will also be facing the missing baby boy in the clan of kiddos.
I hope tomorrow I can find a quiet moment to acknowledge the missing piece, to give my thoughts to God, and to feel His peace and comfort. I don't think it will be as hard as I'm prepared for it to be. God always meets me with such specific comforts on the days I'm most worried about. I think tomorrow is going to be wonderful but experienced through this grief. Through this lens of loss and the sadness that is unavoidable and understandable. But, no matter what, God is here and working. He will sustain me, like He always does.
He who has prepared us for this very thing is God, who has given us the Spirit as a guarantee. So we are always of good courage. We know that while we are at home in the body we are away from the Lord, for we walk by faith, not by sight. - 2 Corinthians 5:5-7