Yesterday was wonderful; well, as wonderful as anything can be given our circumstances. I miss George Mason. God knows that. He knew before I even knew about that precious little boy that I was going to miss him. He knew that I was going to need support in the midst of missing him. Yesterday was one of the greatest testaments to His faithfulness I've experienced. We had a great time with our friends. They love us so deeply, they indulge us when we want to talk about George. They tell us how much they wish he were here. They hug us when we cry. They laugh with us when life sends giggles. Our life in SLC has many things we wish were different, but our friendships and community are something we cannot deny is a total gift from God.
Do I wish that I had been snuggling my almost 5 month old while watching the parade? Absolutely. Do I wish that I could've gotten a sweet family picture with ALL of us? Of course! Do I wish that George Mason had been playing with the big girls? With my whole heart. But I'm so thankful that even though all of those things are true, I'm not ridden with anxiety or fear or sadness in every moment of every day. I serve a great God who is with me in this grief. Who is the ultimate source of joy. Who is wiping my tears and giving me the strength to keep living forwards. He is showing me His great and deep love in so many ways. He is allowing me to continue living as Jillian and not be defined by grief or lose my identity in it. He gives me what I need, when I need it, so that this life isn't spent in sorrow and gloom, but instead lived out to the fullest thanks to His awesome, never ending mercies.
Audrey has been talking less about her brother lately, but when she does talk about him she is capable of understanding a little more. She told her daddy yesterday that she misses George Mason. I don't know where that thought came from. I don't know if she heard someone talking about him in that context or if she really feels the tug of missing someone. I do know, though, that as she grows up, her little brain is processing all of these things in the background. She may not understand fully what it means when she says she misses her brother, but one day she will. I'm so thankful she is learning about grief under the protection of the Holy Comforter. I'm so thankful that as she watches her daddy and me process and deal with this loss that she is seeing God's infinite love poured out on us. That she will be able to draw on these memories and experiences when she is older and know that her God loves her. I hope that she always talks about George Mason. I hope she shares whatever memories she has of his short life with her future siblings. I hope that as she recalls this part of her life, she would be drawn closer to the one who is sustaining her and those around her.
After these things the word of the LORD came to Abram in a vision, saying, "Do not be afraid, Abram. I am your shield, your exceedingly great reward. -Genesis 15:1