Take delight in the Lord and He will give you your heart’s desires. -Psalm 34:7
Sometimes when I find myself reading verses like this one, I’m tempted to run down a rabbit hole of asking myself what I did. I think things like “but I delight in the Lord, so shouldn’t that mean that He would have given me a miracle. George Mason would be alive today if...” ... I guess it’s fair to admit that I’m not perfect and to realize that in these moments when I fall into that temptation of doubting His goodness (and wrestling with the meaning in this outcome) I’m forgiven and I’m still very much loved. But I also see those words and realize just how important it is to run to Him.
As we get nearer and nearer to the anniversary of George Mason’s day, I feel this grief changing. I’m not entirely sure what that means, but it’s happening. The pain is still raw and fresh as if all of this happened yesterday, but it’s also dulling. As it becomes less of an object at the very front of my mind, I don’t want to forget just how much I need Jesus. I want to really, honestly, take delight in the Lord. I want that to be the theme of this next year. Delight. In the Lord, most importantly, but in everything. Along with choosing Joy, I want to delight. In the small things, in the big things, in the mundane things. I need to paint that verse on my wall. Tattoo it on my arm. Repeat it over and over until I can’t forget. Sure, the desires of my heart would be a wonderful gift... but the better gift, the more sustaining gift, would be truly delighting in my Heavenly Father.
I know that my son’s death wasn’t because I wasn’t spiritual enough or as payback for some kind of sin I committed. I know that if he had lived it wouldn’t have been because I had perfectly delighted in the Lord. His death was his death. It was awful to me, it was awful to God, it was a result of sin; just not mine specifically. I know that God could have absolutely saved my son and given me the miracle I prayed so eagerly and faithfully for. I know that this particular miracle wasn’t beyond his capabilities. I will always wonder why he didn’t save my son’s life but I will never doubt that he could have. I hope that along with that confidence in who He is and what He’s capable of, I will not just know He is good, but I will believe it. I will delight in Him.