I’ve been all teary the last few days. Everything lately just triggers sadness. Sadness over the very real absence of a walking little one year old. Sadness over missing his first steps and words. Sadness over the lost relationship with Audrey. (That one really gets me. It’s bad enough that Adam and I have to grieve his loss, but Audrey lost her brother. She lost her playmate. The person she would be closest too in life for most of her life.) Maybe it’s because there are kids everywhere I look, but there’s something so special about siblings. We were so excited to give Audrey her first sibling. Once I came out of the daily nausea, I couldn’t wait to talk with her about the new baby that was going to come life with us; except he didn’t come live with us. And no matter how much life moves on, no matter how normal things seem, or look, or even feel, there’s a huge piece of our family missing and it’s obvious in everything.
I haven’t been feeling well lately. At first I just assumed it was the the grief. Then it was the lack of sleep just catching up with me. Then I realized maybe it wasn’t just grief. So I scheduled a physical. But as I listed off the various odd “symptoms” that have been contributing to my overall feeling of crummy, the doctor just graciously listened and then told me that almost everything was likely linked to grief. That the events of the last few years have been hard and big. And my heart just sank. Because no matter where I go, this grief follows. I’m in a good place. God has been gracious and I’m surrounded by community that has loved on me well. I’m sad, I miss George Mason, but I’m in a good place. I would have never thought that all the things that have had me feeling off lately were linked to this work of grief. But then a dear friend reminded me that while my heart (and head) is resting peacefully in the embrace of my Heavenly Father, perhaps my body is trying to tell me it just hasn’t recovered from everything. That maybe its important not just to work on the grief of my heart, but also of the rest of my self.
“So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.” -1 Corinthians 10:31
It’s convicting, those words: do all to the glory of God. He doesn’t say “do all the easy things to God’s glory” or “when you like it, glorify God”. No, it says in everything. Everything. Even in grief. Particularly in grief. Especially in grief.