Yesterday was Audrey’s 3rd birthday and today we celebrated with friends with a backyard birthday. Overall, it was wonderful. Audrey loved the birthday festivities both yesterday and today. She smiles and loves with ferocity and it comes out in higher doses on special occasions. She is a special little lady and by all accounts, she is very well loved. God has surrounded our family with people who have been immeasurably more than encouraging and supportive through our life’s tragedies. It is one of the things I am consistently grateful for and in awe off. God has been good to us. Sometimes it feels wrong to say that, but it’s truth. 100%, no denying it’s truth.
Except that even in all of the joy and celebration, and so much happiness, there is an under belly of sadness. Not overwhelming and not even really noticeable at first glance, but there nonetheless. With every moment of joy, we have equal amounts of sorrow. It’s hard to really describe that feeling, when your heart feels like it could burst from so much happiness and yet is totally and completely broken. Equal and opposite reactions to the same set of events. I had so much fun doting on Audrey Nole yesterday. Watching her take in all of the stimuli and just loving every moment and experience. She was in heaven; and so was I. But as we sat on the train or opened presents, I missed our son. He would have loved to help her unwrap that pink birthday paper. He would have been just as excited about the train ride and abundance of sugar that are the result of birthday celebrations. And as we put Audrey to bed and found ourselves able to go out for a date, it was hard to not notice that there should be a 1 year old going to bed right along side her. There should be 2 kiddos to wipe frosting from faces and tuck into bed. 2 kids to kiss goodnight and to hear “I love you too, mama” as you close the door.
I guess this is our reality. I don’t know if it’s forever, but it’s right now. Feeling each emotion with layers of complexity. Feeling joy alongside sorrow. I think that’s an improvement. Since for a long time it felt like it would just be sorrow. But God is good and sorrow isn’t going to take over. Sorrow is a reality but it will not be victorious. It will not win out over every moment. It will not stifle the good things. The wonderful things. We serve a good Father. A good God. We can have hope and we can know that things are going to work together for our good.