We did our taxes this morning. I’m not sure that’s ever been anything to be excited about. But this year, this morning, it was a bit of a pinch. Not a full on smack across the face, but a nasty pinch that reminds you you’re not immune to even the subtlest of feelings. As Adam sat with his computer and opened the tax software he asked me to gather all the various tax materials I’ve been collecting and not to forget to find George Mason’s social. Dead in my tracks.
We have a red file with all of the various papers we have regarding George. The death certificate, the deed to his cemetery plot, social security card. I went straight to our file and rifled through the papers, handed him the card, and went on with making breakfast.
I don’t have his social saved in my phone along with the other important numbers and things. It’s not something I’ve ever had to use but it’s there with all of George’s things. Everything that pertained to his birth, life and death fits into a red folder; easily identified so as not to mistake it for something else... But this morning, as Adam wrapped up the e file process and handed me back the card, he said something that just made my heart sink. That this was probably the last time we’ll ever have to use that number. Tears welled up over my pan of popping bacon.
It’s so hard to process those moments when it’s tangibly evident that his life was so short. I can still feel his little heart beating against my chest. How could it really be over a year now? I guess this is part of that whole second year is harder stuff. The good news though, is that I have a years worth of journaling, a years worth of God’s proof to me that He is sustaining us. That He isn’t deserting us. That He is very real, very present, and very, very loving. On rough days or unexpected hard or weird days, I can run to scripture because it has been tattooed on my heart over my life. I can find comfort in new passages and old, favorite pages. George Mason only lived for 16 hours and a year later we may have come across the last instance where his life requires reporting, but his life will always be impactful and important. His life forever changed ours and will always be part of our story. His life will shape our future because it changed us. We, Adam and I, aren’t the same people we were before we knew George Mason. Thankfully, God is. And no matter what we face or how our life surprises us, it doesn’t surprise God, for he named every breath and wrote every moment; even before there was time.
“Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groaning too deep for words. And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. And we know that for those who love God all things work together for the good, for those who are called according to his purpose.” - Romans 8:26-28
A year ago, today, I wrote those words in my journal because I was struggling with the second half. I didn’t understand, nor did I want to believe, that God was going to work all things together for good. Now, a year removed from that day and the need for those words, they still hold truth. I’m not as entangled in the wrestling match that so often is my faith, but often I don’t have words. I feel the weakness of my body and just cry to my savior. So to know that God intercedes in our behalf even in our prayers, is a HUGE comfort and source of healing. Today, I’m thankful for the deep embrace of familiar scripture.