Today marks the start of Pregnancy, Infant, and Child Loss Awareness month. Honestly, its not super easy to get through. But all of the forced acknowledgment of this awful experience, is also such a wonderful time to pray. It reminds me that I’m not alone in losing a child; my son, whom I love dearly. It reminds me that grief is so much more common than we like to admit. It reminds me to be gentle when speaking to, interacting with, and molding friendships with those around me. Because it is impossible to know exactly what’s going on in the background of someone’s life - especially when the standard response to a greeting is “I’m well, thanks, and you?”
Last year, I committed to praying for families in this community. I wasn’t perfect and there were certainly days that I missed, but it ended up being a wonderful way to draw closer to my Savior. It made me step outside of my own grief, which in many ways can be so selfish - out of sheer survival - and truly look for the good works He has bubbling in the background. I fully intend to do this again. To pray for the people in this world of grief, that they would each feel God’s presence just a little more closely as they work through this hard season in their own life.
As I sunk deep into the reminders of loss in this broken world, I felt fortunate to have my Father’s promises of good and healing; even if not earth side. I hadn’t experienced the flip side of loss, at least not yet, of bringing new life into the world after having lost a precious life. Honestly, I was kind of a mess just thinking about that thought. The idea of PAL (pregnancy after loss) frightened the very deepest parts of my psyche. A lot of that fear helped formed my prayers for these people - some unnamed and some very close to my heart - because I couldn’t imagine carrying another child without fear and anxiety. So many of my dreams about our next child ended in the NICU, right where we left George Mason. So often, I would wake in the night, breathless, from the pain that would overcome me as I was rushed right back into that same dreary space that we said goodbye to our son. How could anyone be brave enough to try again? How did any family make it through the long 9 months of pregnancy? And every time I had those thoughts, those rabbit trail lies from Satan that would tell me not to even try; that everything was broken and I didn’t deserve to be a mama to any more than Audrey Nole - at least not living children anyway - I would be reminded of God’s promises. I hadn’t faced those anxieties yet. They were imaginary and an easy way for a wedge to be driven between me and my God. Those prayers for PAIL families would always center me. And there would always be someone in my own life that would offer much needed support, often without even knowing they were doing it.
This year is going to be a little different. This year I’m facing that reality of PAL. One thing is for sure: I don’t take for granted AT ALL the fact that I am so at peace with this pregnancy. Satan really did lie to me and I’m so glad I didn’t listen, or this sweet life inside me wouldn’t exist. It doesn’t mean that I will be 100% anxiety and fear free for the entirety of this pregnancy. It also doesn’t mean that my own peace in this place guarantees a living baby, let alone a healthy baby, at the end of all this. But for now, what it does mean, is that as I ask for God to come along side these grieving and anxious families, I know first hand the comfort that comes with it; and I can sincerely, without doubt, ask that for them. For me. For Adam. For Audrey.
1 in 4 pregnancies ends in loss. Theres a really good chance you or someone you know has been dealing with this specific kind of grief. I hope that you will join me this month in extending a great big hug, in whatever capacity you are able, to those in this awful club. Just as those people in my closest circle often comforted me without even knowing it, you could be the light of Jesus to someone on a day that they just really needed it. What a gift. What a precious, wonderful gift.
“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” - Psalm 147:3
“For the enemy has persecuted my soul; He has crushed my life to the ground. He has made me dwell in darkness., like those who have long been dead. Therefore my spirit is overwhelmed within me; my heart within me is distressed. I remember the days of old’ I meditate on all Your works; I muse on the work of Your hands. I spread out my hands to You; my soul longs for You like a thirsty land. Selah
Answer me speedily, O LORD; my spirit fails! Do not hide Your face from me, lest I be like those who go down into the pit. Cause me to hear your lovingkindness in the morning, for in You do I trust; cause me to know the way in which I should walk, for I lift up my soul to You.” -Psalm 143: 3-8
Photo by Aaron Burden on Unsplash