14 weeks today baby is the size of a beet. We are inching closer to the anatomy scan and I cannot wait until we get to call this little guy or gal by their name. Its my favorite part, if there is such a thing, of pregnancy…. that turning point where this tiny human takes on an identity. I didn’t realize before we lost George how special it was to call him by name for 5 whole months before meeting him. There aren’t many opportunities anymore to hear his name; not unless I bring him up in a conversation. Usually stemming from comparing these three pregnancies. And so I cherish those months where people asked about him by name. Where they prayed for him by name. Where I talked to him, we talked to him, by name. Baby Jooge, as Audrey would say, was so very loved, and his name filled our home. I can’t wait to get to that point again.
I’d by lying if I told you anxiety wasn’t creeping in on my thoughts. I suppose as I get closer to the moment where we really see this baby on that ultrasound screen I expected to be nervous. Everything was picture perfect with George until it wasn’t. I pray that this baby is fine. That we won’t face another tragic diagnosis come 20 weeks. I tell those little inklings towards fear and anxiety to go away and I fill them with Scripture mediations and prayers. But even in my most diligent attempts to fill the available mind space with good things, pointed towards my Father, those fears - from loss of ignorance I suppose - still bubble up. Its not near as bad as I expected it to be. I was really worried about the unknown of what a PAL looked and felt like. I’m thankful that I’m not consumed by anxiety, worry, or fear, but I’m also aware that this journey to meeting this little life is going to be hard. Its going to take work. Its going to mean intentional time with Jesus. Its going to mean telling my OB about the thoughts and fears. Its going to mean asking for lots and lots and lots of prayer. Prayer for this baby and it’s life as it forms in my womb. Prayers for my heart, that it not be overcome by all the what ifs and could be’s, but that it would be filled with love and be comforted by the only One who can. Prayers for Adam as goes through this PAL with me, supports me, loves me, and faces his own fears and anxieties as this child’s daddy. Prayers for Audrey, that her dedicated prayers that this baby gets to come live with us would be answered in a big way. So many prayers.
That’s what got us through those months with George. That’s what’s going to get us through to the end of the pregnancy. And while I know this baby is different, the pregnancy is different, the outcome is different, the love I already have for this tiny human is enormous - and that means I’m going to worry. And then I’m going to remind myself to give that worry to God; and try not to pick it back up after laying it at His feet.
There’s a lot of unknown in this life we live. Nothing is certain. Well, except death and taxes. We’ve already faced death. Too many times recently. It is my prayer that we don’t face it again. And that the joys of carrying a child and anticipating its introduction into our little family will outweigh and shine brighter than the shadows of the valley of death. Dear friends, I covet your prayers. Your hugs. Your generous ways of loving us from both near and far. Help me to celebrate each step of this sweet pregnancy and in the nervous countdown to that moment that baby #3 becomes a he or a she with a name and an everlasting identity in this family.
“The heart is deceitful about all things, and desperately wicked; - who can understand it?” Jeremiah 17:9
Father, examine my heart and throw out its lies. Let me lean deeply into your embrace as we navigate these next few weeks and months. Let your Joy fill this home, this family, my heart, and wipe away every ounce of darkness that might creep in.
Photo by FOODISM360 on Unsplash