Today has been a hard day. Not because the grief is overwhelming or the memories of George Mason are vibrantly sitting in the forefront of my brain. No, today has been hard because I’m the midst of this journey, I have a defiant two year old. Today has been hard because even though it felt like life shouldn’t move forward without my precious little boy, I’m still mama to Audrey Nole. I’m still parenting. I’m still raising a child (hopefully) in the way she should go; in a way that will make her strong and independent and desperately aware of her need for Jesus. So today was hard, because she wanted to go in exactly the opposite direction.
As I struggled with her defiance today, there was a moment of tenderness that hit me. A moment where, whether she understood exactly what she was asking or not, I couldn’t provide. As I walked into her room after her much needed nap, she turned and looked at me and said “mama, we need to go buy a sister.” Wait, what? Can you repeat that please... when I prompted her to answer why exactly we needed to buy a sister (such an obvious answer to her problem of being an only living child) she slipped back into her busy toddler body and deflected the question. There’s such truth revealed in her statement. All of her little girlfriends are having siblings. The whole little group of gals are becoming big sisters. They are holding their babies and fighting for their parent’s attention. I knew this season would be hard for me but no one prepared me for it to be hard for Audrey Nole too. I know she doesn’t understand it, but her brother was the first. He was the oldest of this “wave” of kiddos. He would have been the guinea pig sibling that all of the little girls would have watched and learned the role of big sister on. Some day she will know that and understand that and it makes me sad that a whole new phase of grief will enter her life. It makes me sad that grief of any kind has to enter her life (as I’m sure any parent would feel). But scripture tells us over and over that this world is broken and while it’s not the way it’s supposed to be, it is the way it is.
So thankful that God assures us that things will be made right in the end. So thankful that even though we experience death we don’t have to be afraid of death. So thankful that I don’t have to have the perfect answer to every question that comes up in Audrey’s inquisitive mind. So thankful that God is deep in the trenches with me through and for all of it. So thankful for the constant blessing, though sometimes disguised, of Audrey Nole and of George Mason.
And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus. To our God and Father be glory forever and ever. Amen. - Philippians 4:19-20