Today has been one of those days. The kind were it seems like the devil is working extra hard to push you away from God and into the limbo land of doubt. Doubt that God is good. Doubt that God is trustworthy. Doubt.
I know that my emotions have been on high alert the last few months. Longer than that really, if I'm being completely honest with myself. I've been trying to be intentional about not letting things get to me when I'm in this place of heightened crazy... I try to take deep breaths and remind myself that my reaction to something is tainted by this grief. That even though my first instinct is to punch someone in the throat over something ridiculous, that it's just this exaggerated and really tired body of mine telling me lies. It's those moments where I have to decide in the blink of an eye if I'm going to listen to the whisper of my enemy and doubt my heavenly Father, or if I'm going to turn the other cheek and trust that God is at work in this story; in this moment of overwhelming emotion.
We are selling our house and that's a stressful process. I think anyone who has been through it would agree. But this particular process is made even more stressful by the emotions of selling the only place our son knew. I'm ok with that. I really am. The sad and the hurt that happened in this house is drastically out weighing the good. My son never came home. He never left the hospital room he was born in. And even though his 9 months of life in the womb was in this house, I don't feel upset to be closing this chapter. In fact, for the first time in a while, the idea of future seems like it could possibly be exciting. But then there's the enemy... and this time, instead of a whisper in my ear to encourage doubt, he has taken the form of a nasty neighbor. A neighbor who draws out the worst side of me. A neighbor who can so simply and without a care, push my buttons and turn on every ounce of "mama bear" instinct my body can summon.
So as I attempt to cool off and remind myself that nothing can stand in the way of the goodness of my God, I cling to everything I have control over. Which is nothing and is exactly the opposite of what I should be doing. I'm emotional. I know that. I miss my son with so much of my heart, it feels like I might never breath again. And then there's this person who can push my buttons and get me doubting. Get me thinking that I must do something to fix this. That I can't possibly trust God with this... I mean, after all I trusted Him with my son and look what happened?!
Who is this person I've turned into? Satan be gone. Leave me alone. I am not going to listen to your lies. I'm not going to let the hyper sensitive emotions and my broken heart lie to me anymore. I have no desire to doubt the steadfast God who has proven time and again that he IS trustworthy. I refuse to let evil push my buttons. Lord, hear my cries as I struggle with this. Hear me as I push away from this doubt that is creeping in. Fill the longings of my heart with you; with your Spirit. Let me focus on your scriptures and the promises you have made - and kept - to your people.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths. Be not wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord, and turn away from evil. It will be healing to your flesh and refreshment to your bones. - Proverbs 3:5-8
That's what I want and will continue to strive for. To trust in the Lord with all my heart. To acknowledge Him, even in this moment of doubt, and TRUST that he will make straight my path. Let me fear the Lord, not the things I cannot control. Father, let this verse be written on my heart that I may never forget it. That each time I feel the pains of this loss or perceive a wrong having been done to me, I would instead hear these words of encouragement and charge. For no amount of anger or fear is going to bring my son back. No amount of control in my life is going to right this wrong. Only You. You WILL make this right one day. That is a truth I can cling to. That is what is going to give this tired body and mind the refreshment and healing it so desperately needs.