Clinging to these words tonight:
The name of the Lord is a strong tower; the righteous man runs into it and is safe. - Proverbs 18:10
As we approach the 6 month mark of this grief, it becomes harder to recognize the sadness in each day. I suppose that's a good thing but in a way, the sadness is one of the few ties I have to that precious little boy. It's almost like the thought of losing the sadness is harder than the actual sadness, because somehow, on some level, I'm afraid that if I'm not sad I will forget him.
I know that I will never forgot George Mason. His name has been written on my heart and weaved into deepest, most influential parts of my story. This child, this precious child, will forever remain among my children. He will be thought of along side his siblings. He will be missed at the dinner table and in the car on road trips. His absence will be noticed on Christmas morning and on February 10th of every year, I will... I don't even know. I can't even imagine what that day, his day, will look like each year. But in just a couple weeks, I will be halfway to that day. Halfway to the day that should have been my son's first birthday. The day that I would have celebrated one year of getting to know my second tiny human. When I think about that day, I can't breathe. Even now as I type, my eyes are welled with tears.
Those words in proverbs were important today. Today, for whatever reason, the sadness didn't strike me with ugly tears. Instead it struck me that I wasn't horribly sad. But in the midst of life's various stresses, I still miss my son and can't hide from the emotions that come with that. It's been a hard day. Not because I'm sad over his death, but because I wish he was here to snuggle after a long day. What a blessing God's promises can be. Thankful in this moment for words that encourage me to run, not walk, into the name of the Lord. That His name, simply His name, is strong enough to protect me. How much more strength must His entire being hold?! After days filled with doubt, I needed those words. I needed that promise. Let me always run straight to you, Lord.