Yesterday was a hard day. It was a day full of waiting for an outcome that was likely not the one I wanted. It was a stomach in knots, can't turn my brain off, kind of day. I hate not being in control. Yesterday was a day without control. I couldn't sleep last night. I actually haven't slept in weeks because of this impending verdict.

I've been really struggling with why this weird thing has been causing me so much stress. It seems like with all of the hard things we've been dealing with the last couple years that a stupid hoa decision would be low on my stress trigger list. So what is really going on? Why has this been digging at my psyche with such vengeance? Why have these last two weeks been full of sleepless nights, anger, and knots in my stomach?

I think its important for me to remember that even though this stupid hoa thing is a blip on the map in my story, it is going to have dramatic impact on my life in this moment and that's not something to just brush off. But at the end of the day, my reaction to this has been huge; overwhelming even. As I sit here and think about it, I realize that maybe this reaction and this anger and frustration is about something more. Maybe it's about all of the emotions that I barely had the ability to process when I was pregnant with George Mason. Sitting back and waiting for an outcome that I cannot control has brought up all those months of begging God to make that precious little boy whole. It has reminded me of all those months of suppressing my fears of the worst because I simply needed to believe that God's goodness was going to lead to the result I wanted. That the God I knew and trusted to be good and trust worthy, was definitely going to answer my prayers for healing for George Mason. There was no way he wouldn't. There was no way he couldn't.

God was listening all those months. He was hearing me cry out and beg. He was comforting me and giving me the strength to be Audrey's mom while I carried that little boy. God didn't give me healing for my son, at least not in the sense I expected. But what he did give me was assurance of George Mason's place in eternity with his savior; in a new and perfectly healthy body at that. It's been hard to see and feel his goodness lately but even in this stressful season, God is everywhere. He is in the middle of the night insomnia. He is in the short temper repentances. He is in the sweet hugs from Audrey Nole. He is in the breathless moments of grief.

Tonight as I sit on my couch and process all of this, it is my prayer that I would be less afraid of losing control. That I would be willing to hand over this anxiety and frustration and whatever else to the God who has never failed me or anyone else. That I would say with my whole heart that my God IS good. That my God IS trustworthy. I'm not enjoying this state of stress but I would be crazy if I didn't acknowledge God's presence with me in this. So tonight I hope to sleep. Not because God has removed the stressful situation from life. Not because I miss my son any less. But because I've handed it over to God. Easier said than done... but not impossible, because God is who he says he is.


Let all that I am wait quietly before God, for my hope is in Him. - Psalm 62:5