I continually find myself begging God for an answer, any answer, to the big why. It somehow feels like if I could just understand the reason... if he could let me in on the big picture, that I would feel better; or something like that. I read two sentences today in my devotional that cut to the heart, deeply and with much conviction. "God doesn't owe us answers, but in his word he gives us truths" and "If we question because we desperately want God’s perspective and kneel before Him with a humble and receptive heart, questions to God are productive and lead to a deeper faith."
It's validating to know that God allows and likely expects our questions. But what are my motives in asking?? I honestly don't know the answer to that... but what I was convicted of today was thinking God owes me an answer because I simply want or feel I need an answer. Instead, what would happen to my faith if I was humble enough to listen to his perspective? If my why wasn't selfish and me, me, me, but instead longing for the big picture of God's story? I'm going to have to chew on that for a while. I know that this wound of loss is stinging and it is telling me I deserve to know why this happened. My broken heart and those damn lies it tells want me to push God for answers because obviously he should want to give them to me.
As I move away from the daily ugly cries and the inability to function outside of sheer survival, I want to be intentional about building my faith through this. In those initial weeks and months I needed to find things to be thankful for. Things to keep me going each day. Things to bring even the slightest amount of joy into the overwhelming darkness of loss. But today, even in the midst of stress and frustration, I don’t need those intentional “thankful for ____” moments. I still find myself searching for those moments but they are becoming less of an obligation and more of a result of the fog lifting. Instead, what I need is to deepen and strengthen my relationship with the God that died to save me. I need to dig deeper and really WANT to get to know him and all of his character. It seems like such a simple task, right? Know Jesus. check. Believe in Jesus. check. Trust Jesus. check?
My prayer for today is that I would examine my motives in questioning God. That I would remember that its ok to ask God why this happened. To ask him whymy son died. To ask him why he didn’t heal him. To ask him any number of things that go along with the heartbreak of this loss. Its all ok. But what isn’t ok is demanding he answer or think that somehow I deserve that. God’s plan is going to play out and he promises us that its going to work out for our good. That is a truth that he gave us. A promise he made that we can cling to. But he doesn’t give an explanation as to when that good would be revealed. For some, that’s during their life. For some, that’s not until they meet him in heaven. The jury is still out on when the good will be revealed in my life, but one thing I can know is that all of this IS GOING TO BE FOR THE GOOD. The other thing I know… is that George Mason was a VERY good thing. That precious little boy was and is a blessing in my life. Something that I can and will be thankful for every day of my life.