I don't want to get out of bed today. I'm exhausted. I feel like my brain hasn't turned off in months and I honestly don't remember the last time my heart wasn't just utterly broken. It seems like with each passing minute, the weight of doing this life gets heavier. I know God is with me. I know God is for me. I know God is all the things he says he is. I know I can trust the truths in the scripture. But today, when the mental and emotional exhaustion gets paired with actual physical tiredness, it seems like God is far away.
Audrey Nole and I took one of my very dearest friends down to southern Utah this weekend. It was beautiful. It was fun. It reminded me of what life was like before all this tragedy struck. For a brief moment in time, I enjoyed God's creation, my sweet daughter, and wonderful friendship and it wasn't clouded by loss. I reminisced about how my mama experienced the national parks. I laughed at the thought of me camping as I turned on the hot shower in my hotel room. I was filled with great joy watching my daughter play in the river. She's only 2 and has already been through more in this life than many people will ever experience. And yet, she is innocent and curious. She is not tainted by her experience with death or sadness. She just trusts that mama and daddy have got her back and I honestly believe on some level she trusts the same about the Jesus who is with her brother in heaven.
She is a blessing in this sadness. She is also a reminder of not only God's goodness but his presence. As I sit here watching a movie with my toddler because my body is oh so tired, I'm thankful for that reminder. Thankful to know and feel God's presence even on the days when he feels so very far away. I'm not perfect, I'm not even really good, but my God is all of the above and then some. And even when I'm struggling to understand all of this, he is meeting me in this moment. He is joining me as I watch movies and snuggle with my toddler.
I miss George Mason today. I miss him every day. And even though the stings of loss are becoming a little more faint with each passing day, I realize that life will never really be the same again. I will always be a mama to a child in heaven as well as mama to Audrey Nole. I will always see and experience this life through the lens of grief. But I will also always be God's daughter; and for that I am eternally grateful. Lord Jesus, give me the energy to live and love well today. Give me the strength to keep running into your embrace. Let Audrey know how much she is loved. And when the days seem impossible, thank you for never letting me forget who you are.
Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened. - Matthew 7:7-8