It doesn’t even seem possible, but literally anything and everything can be a trigger that shoots me right back into the emotions of his day. Sitting at a res light, my mind will wander... remembering how painful that bumpy ride home from the hospital was after my c-section. Or walking through target and seeing all the valentines baby things; I brought a little valentines outfit to the hospital for our boy, his birthday was supposed to be the day before valentines. Almost anything these days sets off that adrenaline that allowed me to survive that day.


It’s been a teary winter and I’m sure it will be a weepy couple of weeks. Except tears very rarely fall. It’s more of that quiver in my lip. The pain of loss doesn’t carry me off into solitary sadness or ugly tears very often, instead it has me longing for the day when somehow, some way, this new normal we are living actually seems normal. There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t miss my son. There’s not a day that goes by that his absence isn’t felt. I know that will likely be reality for as long as I live, but maybe someday it will feel less like a bad dream that perhaps I’ll wake up from and more like an extremely valuable part of my story.


I counted 15 Park days with Audrey Nole in December and we have likely had just as many in January. It’s such an odd number for winter, but this mama’s heart is ever so grateful. I didn’t see it in the depth of those days, but as I look back over the last 2 months, God’s goodness is astounding. The protection he offered my heart during this unusually warm winter has not gone unnoticed or unappreciated. He is good. That’s hard to believe as truth sometimes, but there is no denying it when I look back. It’s clear as day. So as I sit here at the park on another sunny and warm winter day, I want to remember that. Cling to it. Because I can feel the tears coming. They are going to be my reality for the next couple of weeks. And with every moment of sadness I want to remember this: God is good. God is good to me. God is good at being God.*


For the word of the LORD is right and true; he is faithful in all he does. 5 The LORD loves righteousness and justice; the earth is full of his unfailing love. 6 By the word of the LORD the heavens were made, their starry host by the breath of his mouth. - Psalm 33:4-6