Today is the first day of February. A month that will forever be changed in my mind. It’s the month that was previously full of hearts and arrows. The love month. The month dedicated to celebrating love and all the people in your life that are special to you. It also happens to be the shortest month.... perhaps we should reevaluate what it really means to celebrate love. But February will never just be the shortest month or the month that holds Valentines Day. February will be the longest month. The month that’s hardest to write the date during. 2/_. February is the month that we met our son. It’s also the month that we said see you in glory. It will never be the same.
Today, the sun is shining. Blue skies, warm temperatures, and very likely a trip to the park; because somehow playgrounds make everything better for this mama and her sunshine little girl. I said it the other day, everything is a trigger head days. The very fact that the skies are blue shot me back to February 2017. I don’t remember the weather. I think it was kind of gloomy. But I didn’t see the outside of that hospital from Thursday evening to Saturday afternoon. I have no idea what February 10th looked like. I don’t know if the sun was shining or if the weather matched the mood of our hearts. I don’t know if God gave me a sunset as I kissed my son for the last time like he did with my mama. In my head it was a rainy and gloomy day. A day that would have otherwise been spent curled in front of a fireplace and snuggled under a blanket. But I honestly don’t know. Sometimes that’s hard, because weather is such a game changer for my heart. But sometimes, I’m thankful that I don’t really know what was going on with the sun on his day. Because if it had been sunny and wonderful on the day that is one of my hardest ever, I would’ve been a little angry with God. I can imagine myself saying something like “way to go God, the world doesn’t deserve sunshine and blue skies today. Didn’t you get the memo, this day sucks!”
Today is hard. Not because I’m an emotional wreck or because I miss George Mason so much I can’t breathe (all true), but because it’s the first day of the first February without my son. It’s the first February of so many Februaries in this lifetime that I will face George Mason’s day. Every year I will have to make a choice. How will I celebrate my son and his day? How will I acknowledge his life and mourn his death as life moves forward without him. Just like Christmas (and every other milestone without him), I probably won’t get it right this first time - or even ever - but I’m going to remember how God works out everything for the good of those who love him. Stressing over Christmas got me nowhere but I’m a tizzy. Stressing over this upcoming birthday will be the same. So I’m trusting in God’s goodness. I’m trusting that he will be steadfast in his promises. George Mason’s death is hard for me to understand and reconcile with those characteristics of my good good Father, but even in that messy set of emotions and feelings, God is good. And he’s good at being God. Amen to that.